Sun pours in our bedroom, a converted attic. When I make the bed, I pull the sheet and quilt back together and snap them like Mom used to do. They settle into place with a tiny poofing sigh. The golden wood floor is warm as I circle the bed and fluff the pillows.
Coming in from the car, my sack of groceries is heavy. I shift hands to lock the garage door, shift again to unlock the back door. I ponder dinner possibilities and think of Mom facing this daily challenge. Although she was a good cook, plenty of times she wasn’t inspired either.
Some nights, I gather up our crumb-laden tablecloth after dinner to shake out on the back step like Mom used to do. Nobody does this anymore. Not tablecloths. Or shaking out crumbs. But I like it. Before dinner I clear the dining room table of clutter and set the table the way she always did—forks, knives, spoons, and napkins. We often put away the spoons unused but it pleases me to do it her way.
Minutes after we sit down, I hop up to blow my nose and dab my eye. Whenever I start to eat, they run just like hers did. Some neurological blip we share.
In the evening, my husband reads the news on the sofa and I read in my chair. We comment on the day’s events, share something about our sons and their families or tomorrow’s plans. Ordinary things, but we’re so content and companionable. I think of Mom and Dad doing the same.
Mom was 67 and already a grandmother to my brother and sister-in-law’s three, when our oldest son was born. When our youngest son was born she was 70. Even though we lived four states apart, we talked often, so she was familiar with our sons’ personalities and milestones.
Mom with our oldest
I think of the way she got down on the floor to play with them. I do the same with my 10-month-old granddaughter, who crawls over me to get a toy or bounces in time to the music I play for her. When a diaper change upsets my 8-week-old granddaughter, I lean in close and say, “It’s OK little one. You’ll be alright,” in a low quiet voice, the same way Mom soothed our youngest.
Mom with our youngest
Mom comes to mind often and I wonder how she felt going about her days. At 70, was she achy in the mornings like I often am? Was she happy and looking forward with pleasure to most of her days? Was she carefree? Nah, my life is good but not carefree—hers wouldn’t have been either.
How often did the specter of aging shadow her? She had to be aware that one day her health would decline, friends and family would grow ill and die, and she would probably outlive Dad. Could she keep all that in the background? Did she think—like I do—that “I’m still healthy and capable. These are the good years”?
Mom died 10 years ago on Election Day, the only time I didn’t vote. Instead, I got in the car to begin the long drive to Ohio for her funeral. It wasn’t a presidential election, but I felt bad about missing the vote. Mom and Dad were part of the Greatest Generation. They were fierce believers in democracy. Dad fought and Mom sacrificed during WWII so democracy could thrive throughout the world. Please support democracy with your vote.
So many memories of my own mom. Love the pictures, too. Thanks for reminding me of how loving my mother was, until the end. And I do remember her at my age, 70, because I threw her a huge party in the UP. So glad I did that! 💕
So glad you did the party! Mom travels with me. I had so little understanding of what life looked like to her at 70 (how could I?) We were certainly lucky to have the mothers we did.
Thank you for your kind words. Mom wasn’t overtly political but I know my parents would be appalled that democracy is in question–only 80 some years after WWII.
A lovely/loving tribute to both your mother and to democracy. Thank you.
I, too, shake out the table cloth after supper — I go out to the front porch and launch the cloth over the porch railing. I imagine various little critters might enjoy the crumbs that fly, then fall to the ground below. It’s an end-of-day gesture that fills me with deep days-gone-by satisfaction. I’m glad to know I am not alone in this.
Daylight now plays secondary to darkness. Not the awesome state of Dec. 21, but the gradual nibbling away of four minutes a day of sunlight. That doesn’t sound like a big bite of time until added up and you’re twenty-eight minutes behind the game in taking a walk, taking pictures of the last of summer’s flowers or merely reading without a lamp.
Temperatures are also supposed to be heading to lower numbers. The boys will wear shorts until their friends pull out sweats or long jeans. It’s all relative. In March sixty degrees suggests that a sweater can stay in the car or at home. In October someone will pull out a jacket and hat, maybe even gloves, when leaving for work. Spiders find their way into the house, spinning webs where no one wants to see a creepy critter hanging. The hummingbirds are gone, but the geese increase in number, pooping everywhere and honking at ungodly hours.
Since the pandemic, things have changed. Or maybe it’s my age. Instead of planning a fall and winter wardrobe, I found new black pants, a pair of jeans, a new sweater, and comfortable shoes. A writer’s life is simple without office mates remembering that you’ve worn the same long black turtleneck for a few years.
Open the windows for cool sleeping. Bake apple crisp or apple pie or apple cake. Celebrate the passing of mosquitos when walking the old dog. If it wasn’t for November 5, this could be the best time of the year.
Mountains, hills, and the conical peak of Volcan Santa Maria stretched across the horizon. Church steeples poked up around the valley. Pigeon’s cooing, roosters crowing, and dogs barking punctuated the afternoon. Mayans in colorful dress walked easily up and down the narrow steep cobblestone streets.
I recognized the little park where we had enjoyed the sun’s rays before entering the restaurant. Flags flowed gently in the breeze above the two cement benches. The park would become our landmark. Left to our Spanish school, right to the restaurant and down the hill to our homestay.
“Me and Mama Jody feel the same way when we are around Lake Atitlan,” I reminded her. On many occasions Jody and I discussed buying property around the lake and looked at homes for sale. Surrounded by mountains, volcanoes, and water, Lake Atitlan was our sanctuary. Cradled by the universe, the heart of the mother, we felt loved, protected and at peace.
Eventually, Crystel and I made our way back to our homestay for dinner at 7 pm. Within days we had established a pattern: breakfast with the family, language school, return for lunch, fitness center, afternoon café for hours of reading and writing, finally head back for dinner and lastly bedtime.
Sidewalks, Xela
Crystel was our de facto leader. I was content to follow her on the uneven and unpredictable sidewalks that were not wide enough for two people to walk side by side. She helped with bank business and researched cafes, restaurants, and excursions. I gave up any semblance of being in charge. On occasion when I did assert myself and speak on her behalf, she let me know that it wasn’t wanted. I was to be her companion on this trip, the friend who had inferior language skills and was inept at GPS. I was comfortable to step aside and allow her caretaking. It was a gift to be her mother, a speck on the wall, and observe her engagement with others, be fully in the moment, and witness her desire to learn.
“It’s right here,” Crystel said. She stopped at a pistachio-colored building front with a tan door.
Entrance to our homestay was through a dimly lit garage. A motorcycle with parts and tires strewn about rested against a cement wall. Broken dusty chairs stacked in a corner. Drywall and crumbled brick swept in a pile. Oil cans, assorted tools, and dog dishes near the rickety steps that climbed to the roof. At times dried dog poo could be spotted. Once I very carefully climbed the stairs to the roof to see if I could escape to a sunlit area to read and write only to be disappointed. Discarded items, unused pot plants, and cement blocks held sheets of tin in place.
“Mama Beth,” Crystel whispered. I opened my door. “What’s that?” she gestured.
Beth and Crystel, El Paredon
I loved it when she visited me, searched me out. We had an easiness about us. Could provide each other company without talking. I sniffed back a sob. On my bed was a piece of sheet rock and plaster dust. “It must of fell from the ceiling or wall.” Sitting with my legs dangling over the bed my back ached from the strain. The mess wasn’t there when we left after lunch for our afternoon workout and café outing.
Crystel wanted to laugh. It is what we have both done to relieve tension. She thought better of it after seeing my face. My eyes were red from crying. My face flushed.
“I just finished talking with Mama Jody. I’m so depressed. The clutter and dirt really get to me.” I pointed to the corner of my room and the top of my console. More plaster dust, more debris.
I brushed off my bed. Crystel climbed in with her book.
“Now, I’m worried about bed bugs and fleas. Any time I see a spot on my pillowcase or bedding, I put a finger by it to see if it will jump.”
At dinnertime, Ms. Amsterdam told Crystel that she would not pet the dog if it were her. “The dog has fleas,” she said. Crystel’s hand sprung from the little white friendly dog. “I have flea bites on my ankles because I let the dog in my room.” Mr. England added that there were bed bugs in the mattresses.
Crystel stiffened. “I like it here,” she said. “The food is good. The family is nice.”
“I agree. The food is simple and wonderful. I never have to spice anything. The portions are just the right size.” I shifted to lean my back against the headboard. “I hear you laughing and using your Spanish. You could have done this trip by yourself. Did you hear Ms. Amsterdam say that another student looked at my room and then left? She said she couldn’t do it.”
What is my purpose in all this? This trip was for her. It was supposed to be about her growth. Her lessons. Not mine. What is the meaning here?
I sensed that Crystel didn’t want to move from our homestay. She could be imagining how it might be to live with her birth family.
My PTSD was triggered our first night at the homestay. I hadn’t been able to shake it. It took me some time to figure out why I was on heightened alert and couldn’t sleep. It occurred to me that it was about the mess and the chaos that I grew up in. As a teenager, anxiety built inside me until I exploded and got on my hands and knees and scrubbed our kitchen and hallway floors bit by bit. I’d start at my parents’ bedroom, move backwards to my sister’s, then mine, change water and start again in the kitchen area. A table knife in my soapy pail of water was to get what the scratch pad wouldn’t.
Chaos meant no one was in charge. If no one was in charge, I wouldn’t be safe. At any minute things could spiral out of control. If I could just clean the house, I’d be safe. My parents were of no help. I had long become the surrogate parent to my younger siblings.
I breathed deeply. “We are leaving for El Paredon on Friday,” I said. “Maybe a long weekend away will be just what I need to reset.”
I can do this. It’s not that bad. I don’t want to hurt the family’s feelings by leaving. I don’t want to take money away from them. They counted on us. Crystel is doing great. Fitting right in with this Guatemalan family. I can do this. It’s not so bad.
El Paredon, Surfing
El Paredon, a remote surf beach town on the Pacific Coast of Guatemala with a black sand beach was on Crystel’s must-do list. She had learned how to surf in Hawaii and wanted to visit surfing destinations. Maybe at El Paredon, I’d find my epiphany. Sunrises and sunsets were known to be spectacular. I imagined relaxing on a sunny beach and enjoying the outdoor hotel pool, lounging, healing, and napping. Crisp clean white bed linen and towels. Fluffed up pillows. A TV to scroll in the evenings. A private bathroom with a warm shower. Falling asleep to the sound of the ocean.
Before leaving for our long weekend, I folded the blankets on my bed. Removed my sheets and pillowcases. Set them by the washing machine.
Rain hammered the passenger van, rattling the metal like gravel tossed against a tin roof. Each burst sounded closer, louder, as if the storm were trying to break its way in. Why today, of all days, when Juan was visiting his birth family? We had planned it so carefully. We’d even had a kind of…
When I feel world-weary, I actively try to turn away from the world’s troubles and focus on the many good things in my life. In addition to my family and friends, here are some things I enjoyed this past year—art, books, nature. Sorry, no raindrops on roses! When I saw this painting I wanted to…
17 responses to “Thinking of Mom”
This is a lovely story. A tribute to your Mom and to our country. Thank you.
What a lovely tribute to your mom!
Thank you! I can’t believe it’s been 10 years.
Thanks, Ann!
So many memories of my own mom. Love the pictures, too. Thanks for reminding me of how loving my mother was, until the end. And I do remember her at my age, 70, because I threw her a huge party in the UP. So glad I did that! 💕
So glad you did the party! Mom travels with me. I had so little understanding of what life looked like to her at 70 (how could I?) We were certainly lucky to have the mothers we did.
So poignant, and to have the reminder on voting day of your wonderful mother. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words. Mom wasn’t overtly political but I know my parents would be appalled that democracy is in question–only 80 some years after WWII.
A lovely/loving tribute to both your mother and to democracy. Thank you.
I, too, shake out the table cloth after supper — I go out to the front porch and launch the cloth over the porch railing. I imagine various little critters might enjoy the crumbs that fly, then fall to the ground below. It’s an end-of-day gesture that fills me with deep days-gone-by satisfaction. I’m glad to know I am not alone in this.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your habit of shaking the tablecloth–I loved hearing that!
Warm thoughts of your mom, Ellen. I often wonder what mine would say about current events. I can only imagine!
I think of Mom often (obviously). I think my parents would be aghast that democracy is on the line again.
Wow! Hit me again that it was Election Day that you were going to her funeral. Nice poignant essay.
Thank you. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years.
Beautifully written, Ellen. Thinking about my mother, too.
It’s a special bond despite the years.