• What I Know For Sure

    Older Like many women, I subscribed to O, The Oprah Magazine from its inaugural issue in 2000 to its last two decades later. Along the way, I tore out and saved a four-inch-high stack of articles and ads that has been sitting on an upstairs bookshelf ever since.

    That stack included the ad pictured here. It was part of Chico’s 2018 “Growing Bolder Not Older” campaign designed to celebrate women and their desire for style at every age.”

    I saved the ad because its headline proclaimed exactly what I expected to be doing as I aged…growing bolder, not older. 

    One reason for my optimism was my grandmother, Valeria Szczech. Born in 1902, she lived most of her life on a Benton County farm and died in her sleep at age 92.

    In between, she had no choice but to grow bolder. Life circumstances required it. Valeria’s mother had died of a heart attack on Valeria’s wedding day, leaving her partially responsible for several members of her extended family, including a brother who was unable to work due to a heart condition.

    Then, in 1952, her husband, my grandfather, died a few weeks after the tractor he was working on exploded, leaving him severely burned on 90% of his body.

    Despite his death, Valeria continued to live on the farm, milking cows, feeding chickens, canning vegetables and doing whatever else was needed, thankfully with the help of their son who lived only a farm-field away.

    After her son’s too-early death, she sold the farm and moved to the small town of Foley, where she attended mass, made new friends, grew a large garden and provided full-time care for a brother made infirm by a stroke. 

    I was in awe of her and her independence and assumed my grandmother’s get-up-and-go—and the get-up-and-go that I thrived on in my 40s and 50s—would continue through my 70s, 80s and even my 90s.

    Unfortunately, at 66, I’m already finding that much of that get-up-and-go has gotten up and gone. At least temporarily. And although I do not think of myself as old, and some days not even as older, I am definitely not bolder. Nor do I strive to be.

    Yes, I still enjoy meeting friends for coffee or a walk, but I’m no longer willing to drive in rush hour traffic to make it happen. Yes, I still travel, but not as often or as vigorously as I once did. And yes, I still walk, but more often solo in my own neighborhood rather than around the lakes with a friend.

    At first, I blamed Covid. After all, where was there to go when nowhere was safe? But while fears of the virus have eased, my desire to go, go, go has not returned. Instead, I’m content being at home, purging files, clearing clutter, organizing cupboards and completing projects.

    Does that make me less bold? Perhaps, but in keeping with one of Oprah’s signature phrases, “what I know for sure” is that I am growing older…and for that I am truly grateful.

    7 responses to “What I Know For Sure”

    1. ckwordsister Avatar
      ckwordsister

      Beautiful Bev. We lived with my great-grandmother for many years. Her life was easier than your grandmother, but very physical and she continued gardening and quilting into her 90s as well. They had to depend on a strong back and physical strength all their lives in ways that we haven’t. So don’t worry about having less get up and go. We’re thriving in different ways.

      1. Bev Bachel Avatar
        Bev Bachel

        I appreciate the TLC in your comment…it arrived a the perfect time.

    2. Ann Coleman Avatar

      I don’t know that you are necessarily less bold, because I think what could have happened is simply that your tastes and desires are changing as you age. I think as long as you are doing what you actually want to do, and rising to meet the challenges that confront you, you are aging boldly! Your grandmother had way more than her share of challenges, and she met them, which says a lot about her character, and all of it is positive. But that doesn’t mean you are any less bold!

      1. Bev Bachel Avatar
        Bev Bachel

        Thanks for helping me reframe…and for the reminder that doing what I want is an act of boldness in and of itself. I often forget how much energy it takes to focus on what I want rather then get caught up in what others want for me.

        1. Ann Coleman Avatar

          You and me both!!

    3. Eliza Waters Avatar

      I hear ya, sista! The point is no longer how much I get done, but how much I enjoy doing whatever I choose to do at whatever speed I choose to go. Relaxing with a cup of tea has now risen to the top of the list!

    4. Ellen Shriner Avatar

      I like your definitions of how you want your life to look these days!

  • Seeing Forward and Back

    I’ve cared for enough older women in my family to see the frailties I may have in the coming years. I’ve learned to be patient with their slower pace. I accept the extra steps they take to stay in charge of their lives—switching glasses and putting them away carefully and doublechecking locks. I already do that. I’m accustomed to the effort invested in maintaining dignity—looking where I’m walking, dressing comfortably, but well. So far, I’ve managed to avoid the flat bedhead spot so many older women seem unaware of!

    Some days I feel exactly how old I am. My hip twinges a little. Or I can’t think of a word and it comes back five minutes later. I have a wealth of experiences and insights but the wisdom to know I should refrain from giving too much unasked-for advice. At this stage of life, my outlook is measured. Realistic.

    Other days I feel like I’m fifty. Nothing aches. I’m energetic, ready to tackle big projects, and confident they’ll turn out well. The future is off in the distance and looks bright. I’m optimistic.

    My thirties are also vivid—relived through the lives of my daughters-in-law. Revived by their pregnancies and new motherhood. I remember how fascinating my changing body was and how much it mattered to have a few maternity clothes I really liked. 

    1989

    I haven’t forgotten the fog and overwhelm of life with a newborn. How every little thing worries you. I also know you can grow bored by the long repetitive days, no matter how much you love your child. How ready you can be to use your brain for something besides calculating the hours since the last feeding. But the sweetness of cuddling a sleeping baby tempers that restlessness.

    When my son hands me his baby, our past, present, and future converge.

    , , , , , ,

    10 responses to “Seeing Forward and Back”

    1. Karen Seashore Avatar

      The last line captures it so beautifully….thanks!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you! Your comments mean a lot.

    2. Ann Coleman Avatar

      Oh, yes, grandchildren do have a way of melding the past and the future, don’t they? 

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thanks for reading and commenting!

    3. Bev Bachel Avatar
      Bev Bachel

      What a lovely post…and a great reminder of the importance of looking both back and forward while striving to truly live each day as fully as possible.

    4. Eliza Waters Avatar

      I hear ya, Ellen. We make our way forward the best we can. 🙏🏼

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        I’m not super worried about it, but I can’t help being aware 😉

    5. Carole Duff Avatar

      I’m right there with you, Ellen.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thanks for reading and commenting!

  • Gotcha Day

    Ani, Rosa, Juan, Aryanna (Juan’s girlfriend)

    “We missed Juan’s Coming Home Day,” Jody said. Jody and I were doing our usual morning routine with her sitting on the dog bed, her back to the furnace. Buddy and Sadie next to her. Jody and the dogs love the furnace heat in the early morning hours. I reclined with a blanket on the couch. Her memory was jogged by reading a Facebook post about a family celebrating their child’s Gotcha day.   

    “I don’t mind,” I said. “I’m not sure that it’s important to them. Maybe it just brings up trauma.”

    Jody nodded. An unspoken agreement that we weren’t going to raise the issue.

    Coming Home Day, as we have termed it, was the day that Juan and Crystel came home to us from Guatemala. Born six weeks apart, they came home within weeks of each other.

    When they were young, we celebrated as if it were another birthday. Cakes, presents, MOA visits, concerts, and waterparks.

    It was a day to recognize us coming together as a family and to acknowledge their birth moms.

    “Oh, your kids are so lucky,” people often say to us. Even Jody will say, “When I come back, I want to come back as your child.” The last time she said it, which wasn’t that long ago, I said, “You do realize that you’re not saying that you want to come back as my partner.” She laughed and laughed at the truth of it.

    It would be so easy to not complicate Juan and Crystel’s adoption and rest with the belief that they are so fortunate.

    Recently, I had a dream where I was at a large extended family gathering. Aunts and uncles. Cousins. I was in my twenties. I chatted with relatives, played with the youngsters. I kept an eye out for my birth family. They were late. Delayed. Then, I realized they weren’t coming. There was always so much going on in my home that plans often got waylaid. Or it just wasn’t important for them to come even though the celebration was for me.

    I felt this void. This loss. This emptiness. A hole where blood family should be.

    I woke up wondering about this empty space for Juan and Crystel. Do they have a dream where their birth family doesn’t make it to their celebration?

    Crystel’s birth family

    There is trauma in being abandoned. Given up. Relinquished.

    Jody and I have done what we could to make them whole with travels to Guatemala, birth family meetings, and name changes.

    At five-years-old, they asked, “Whose belly did I come from, yours or Mama Jody’s?” Jody and I explained that there was a third mama in Guatemala. The kids persisted, “No! Mama Bef or Mama Jody!?!”

    A hole where blood family should be.

    One response to “Gotcha Day”

    1. Karen Seashore Avatar

      This is a hard truth….but I think that every adoptive family I know has faced it.


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