WordSisters

  • Then and Now–A Year in Review

    Ellen Shriner's avatar

    Ellen Shriner

    As last winter closed in a year ago, so did my life. Because of COVID, going to the grocery store was my only excursion (whoopee). There was no need to get gas—I wasn’t going anywhere. Sometimes I’d go for a drive just for a change of scenery. Yoga classes, my book groups, and writers’ groups all went to Zoom. 

    My husband and I rarely saw our sons in person. At best, we visited for a few minutes as they stood in the doorway. Across the room we shivered in the frosty breeze. All of us masked. Even more chilling than the air was the understanding we couldn’t touch.

    At Thanksgiving and Christmas, my husband and I planned menus along with our sons and their fiancées. Our three households shared what we’d cooked. The food was good and we were outwardly cheerful, but inwardly, I felt our aloneness deeply. 

    2020

    For perspective, I watched shows about WWII and reminded myself that my life was way better than enduring the London bombing, the French occupation, or life on a naval destroyer as my father had. I was grateful we had healthcare and didn’t have to worry about being evicted. We were apart, but it wouldn’t last forever.

    This year feels so much better. We are vaccinated and boosted. As long as I’m masked and keep some distance, I am free to work in the pottery studio, tutor, and shop in person. I am able to invite a few vaccinated friends over for a drink or dinner. We spread out and run the HEPA filter, but we can talk, laugh and interrupt each other in the natural conversational rhythms instead of the stilted stop-and-start of Zoom visits.

    My life remains more restricted than it was pre-COVID. Dining in restaurants, watching movies in the theater, or flying are TBD. I avoid large gatherings and even assess the risks of events like indoor farmers’ markets.

    But now we can do the most important things, like gathering for birthday dinners with our sons and their wives. We were able to be together at Thanksgiving. I’m so grateful the six of us can visit in person this Christmas. We’ll hug, laugh, and eat lots of good food. Pure joy.

    2021

    COVID rewired my thinking. These days, our plans are provisional. Maybe. If. We’ll see. I’m careful to temper my hopes and rein in my worries. Letting either get away from me doesn’t serve me. 

    I have a different, more realistic view about my ability to control anything. Life never was in my control—I just thought it was.

    COVID isn’t going away anytime soon. I’m learning to live with it. Going forward, there will be times when the Delta/Omicron/Whatever variant is raging, and I’ll have to limit my activities, and there will be times when I’m less restricted. For now, I’m taking sensible precautions, assessing each situation case by case. I don’t expect “we’ll get back to normal.” This is the new normal. It isn’t all I wish for, but being able to see family and friends in person means a lot.

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    16 responses to “Then and Now–A Year in Review”

    1. Luanne Avatar
      Luanne

      As soon as I could be around my kids again, I was happy! But, yes, provisional plans.

    2. Susanne Avatar
      Susanne

      Wonderful, hopeful post, Ellen. We’re not there yet here in the northlands but you give me hope. Merry Christmas to you. Here’s to 2022.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        I wish you all the best in 2022!

    3. Karen Martha Avatar
      Karen Martha

      We had Christmas outside last year, in the snow, with a hot fire. This year we plan on being together, vaccinated and boosted, and we’ll take a test the day of. . . will it ever be over? I’m not sure, time keeps on slipping–into the future. Great blog that captures the ennui, hope, and human adaptation.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Thank you! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family!

    4. Theresa Eisele Avatar
      Theresa Eisele

      No matter the season or reason, gratitude often seems to offer comfort.

      Even before the pandemic, I inwardly chuckled at the word “normal” . . . what does that mean anyway? 🙂

      Always enjoy reading your (and the others) writings. Thanks, Ellen!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Theresa, so nice to hear from you! I’m grateful for the difference between 2020 and 2021 and contrasting them helped me see it. Thanks for reading. I hope you’ll be healthy and happy in 2022!

    5. Ann Coleman Avatar
      Ann Coleman

      Personally, I have to hope that we’re not going to have to defer to Covid forever, as I do think science will eventually catch up with this horrible new disease. We’ve come pretty far already in our vaccines and treatment, and I take comfort in that. But I agree that caution is the way for the near future, and I’m so glad that you were able to enjoy the holidays with your family this year! We did the same…it was nice to be able to have mom over to have Thanksgiving dinner with us this year, as that couldn’t happen last year without the vaccines.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Thanks for reading! I think we’ve come a long way and I am grateful. While I don’t want to defer to COVID, I no longer think it will be eradicated. I think it will be around but will become more manageable. I’m glad you can share the holidays with your family–I hope you have a lovely time! And congratulations on the new grand baby to come!

    6. Sally Faust Avatar
      Sally Faust

      Sadly, your story makes complete sense. This is our new normal and we shall adjust and move forward. Enjoy your holidays celebrating with your family.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Thanks! I hope you have nice holidays too.

    7. Eliza Waters Avatar
      Eliza Waters

      I echo the same thoughts and feelings, Ellen. This has been one heckuva learning curve. Letting go, letting god is the name of the game.
      Glad you can now gather with your family, something we no longer take for granted. Enjoy your holidays!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        I hope you have nice holidays too!

        1. Eliza Waters Avatar
          Eliza Waters

          Thank you, Ellen!

    8. Jan Wenker Avatar
      Jan Wenker

      So true Ellen. I agree this probably is the new normal at least for the foreseeable future.
      Enjoy the Holidays! 🎄🥳
      Jan

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Thanks, Jan! I hope you have great holidays.

  • ABANDONMENT Appreciating Juan and Crystel

    Elizabeth di Grazia's avatar

    Elizabeth di Grazia

    Saturday morning on a Meet Up hike a woman told me, “Your kids are so lucky to have you.”

    I told her, “Jody and I are infinitely richer with Juan and Crystel in our lives. We are a Family.” We talked about adoption and I told her about a book I’m reading, The PRIMAL WOUND Understanding the Adopted Child.

    The premise of the book is the very moment a birth mother relinquishes her infant to a stranger there is a wound that an adopted child will never recover from. I believe this. How does a child reconcile with the fact that their birth mother gave them up?

    She then told me her story. Her Chinese mother named her Peter. She would have aborted her if she knew that she was carrying a girl. Her mother tried to give her away many times. No one wanted a girl. She spent her life trying to prove to her mother that she was worth keeping. Her mother died of dementia, never believing in her daughter’s worth. She came to believe in her own worth. Peter changed her name to Jennifer.

    When we first adopted Juan and Crystel, we acted instinctively to strengthen their connections to their birthplace and birth families. Their first return trip to Guatemala was when they were age 7, often called the age of reason. Riding horses through remote villages, eying cornstalk houses with plastic roofs, children bathing outside, dirt lawns, scrawny dogs, and laundry being done in a creek imprinted the unspoken reason for their mother’s abandonment.

    Juan and Crystel met each of their birth mothers on our 2nd trip when they were 9. They were able to ask each mother, “Why did you give me up?”

    We planned three more family trips when they were ages 11,13, and 15.

    Jody and I encouraged Juan and Crystel, “Be proud of where you have come from. Be proud to be Guatemalan.”

    I personally know the deep pain of primal wound. When I was 9, I told my mother about my brothers sexually abusing me and her reaction was to punish me. My biggest fear growing up in my family, if I complained again, that my mother would send me to a foster home. That would have killed me. It would have been proof that she didn’t want me. Instead, I stayed in our home and endured years of sexual abuse.

    My family was all I had.

    I had an abortion when I was 14. I had a baby less than a month after I turned 17. I didn’t say a word, wouldn’t even admit it to myself until later, that the pregnancies were the result of sexual abuse in my family.

    The primal wound is real. It’s what adopted kids and adopted adults live with. How do you reconcile being abandoned by your birth mother?

    You don’t. You live with it.

    I told Juan and Crystel I was reading The PRIMAL WOUND Understanding the Adopted Child. “I’m thinking of buying you the book. I can see you in the pages,” I said. I could also see myself and anyone who has lost their mother through death, neglect, or abandonment. They both immediately responded, “No, that’s alright.”

    At lunch with Crystel the other day, I told her the premise of the book was that there is a wound from the moment that a birth mother gave their child up for adoption. A wound that is not resolved. “That’s about right,” she said.

    Even though the kids don’t want their own book, I can talk with them, and recognize the pain they carry and will always carry. You do not reconcile with the fact that your birth mother gave you away to a stranger.

    Jennifer will live with her wound as my kids will and as I will. It doesn’t stop us from who we are or who we will become.

    I honor my children, myself, and others in honoring the pain of abandonment.

    ,

    2 responses to “ABANDONMENT Appreciating Juan and Crystel”

    1. Karen Martha Avatar
      Karen Martha

      So right on. It’s like grief. It never really goes away, but you learn to live with it.

    2. Bev Bachel Avatar
      Bev Bachel

      The pain of abandonment. So many people I know struggle with that. Thanks for sharing your experience and for helping me better understand that of others I know, both those who were adopted and those who weren’t.

  • Five Things I’m Grateful for this Thanksgiving

    bevbachel's avatar

    bevbachel

    The isolation brought on by the pandemic has taken its toll on many of us, me included. As a result, rather than seeing the glass half full as I once did, I became a list maker of tiny gripes: endless emails, bad drivers, unreturned phone calls and year-late healthcare bills topped my list.

    Thankfully, it didn’t take long to realize that focusing on the negative wasn’t helpful. So I recruited a “bliss buddy” with whom I began sharing what I was grateful for: the beauty of nature, the kindness of strangers and the compassion of friends made the list often.

    So did my sister Karen who, for the past 152 days, has sent me a text each morning to remind me that I am both loved and lovable. Her kind words have become the background music of my days, often uplifting my spirits before I even realize they need it.

    Here are four other things I am especially grateful for this Thanksgiving:

    • My aunt Caroline. In February 2020, I wrote my first Word Sisters blog post. It was about my aunt and uncle, both in their 90s. He had recently been hospitalized, she had recently suffered a stroke. While he has since died, she continues to thrive, despite having lost the ability to speak clearly or use the right side of her body. The last of my mother’s siblings, she’s an amazing role model whose light continues to shine bright and who shows me that I can age with gusto despite the challenges I may face.
    • My health and healthcare providers. I’ve taken my physical and mental health for granted my entire life. Then, one day in August 2020, despite routinely walking 10,000 steps a day, I could barely get myself around the block. After an MRI, I was told I needed to have my hip replaced. I opted for physical therapy instead and am now able to walk to my heart’s content once again. I also opted to see a mental health therapist. Her support keeps me grounded in the here and now yet gives me hope that I can—and will—change.
    • My book group. I’ve been a member of my book group going on three decades. During that time, one member was murdered by her husband, another died of cancer. Most of us have lost our parents, all of us are coming to terms with our own aging. Getting together every other month means meaningful conversations with women I trust who know both my good and bad qualities and who offer their unconditional love and support.
    • The ability to say no. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life, afraid of disappointing others. That sometimes meant staying on committees that drained me, meeting friends for cocktails when I didn’t want to be drinking and driving across town in rush-hour traffic when I wanted to be curled up on the couch. The pandemic lessened the things I was invited to do and made it easier to say no to things that weren’t in line with my priorities.

    What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving? Please share.

    , , , ,

    9 responses to “Five Things I’m Grateful for this Thanksgiving”

    1. Ann Coleman Avatar
      Ann Coleman

      What a meaningful list! Yes, the pandemic has inflicted horrors on all of us, one way or another. But it has also taught me to separate the important from the trivial, especially since my husband was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of it. So I am thankful for being determined enough to get him diagnosed even during the beginning of the Covid pandemic, when anything other than Covid wasn’t considered really important enough to deal with. I am thankful that he is in remission and healing after a long, hard, struggle. I am thankful for my healthy children and grandchildren, and for the ability to look forward to another one joining us in the next few weeks!

      1. Bev Bachel Avatar
        Bev Bachel

        I, too, am thankful you were able to get your husband diagnosed and that he is in remission. It gives me hope for others I know who are dealing with health issues.

    2. Eliza Waters Avatar
      Eliza Waters

      Health is top of the list, followed by a loving husband, healthy adult sons, a beautiful home with acres of wild land for walking throughout our rural community. Thinking of our blessings is so uplighting! Hope your Thanksgiving was a lovely one, Bev!

      1. Bev Bachel Avatar
        Bev Bachel

        Thanks for sharing your list…plus your good wishes.

    3. wrytr Avatar
      wrytr

      Bev, I’m grateful for YOU, my lifelong friend! In fact, as I develop a new online course about decision-making without regret, I find myself referring to you as a role model time and again.

      There is such power and freedom in living one’s truth and we do so through our daily decisions about who to spend time with, what to create and share, and when to rest. I am grateful for those million moments throughout my life when I have been guided to think and act in alignment with my truth, my core values; and I’m grateful for the teachings that resulted from the many moments when I did not.

      I smiled when I read that isolation has honed your ability to say no. As counterintuitive as that may seem on the surface, it’s really about being an exceptional student of life and letting the gift within a difficult situation reveal itself. You and your aunt Caroline have such resilience in common.

      In the spirit of your “Five things” headline, here are four more things Iʼm grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day, in addition to our friendship:

      🦃 well-functioning senses that allow me to experience the world (lost my sense of taste and smell temporarily in a mild bout of Covid and have a whole new level of appreciation for them now);

      🦃 the beauty of nature, from the potted plants on my patio to the clear blue sky that hosted six hot air balloons outside my widow this morning;

      🦃 my partner Aarón, who helps me to be my best self;

      🦃 and my karaoke community, a continuously evolving source of joy and amusement.

      Thank you for this post, and have a happy Thanksgiving, amiga!

      1. Bev Bachel Avatar
        Bev Bachel

        Thanks for brightening my day with your response. you are such a great writer….hope all is going well for you and Aaron…look forward to catching up again soon.

    4. Ellen Shriner Avatar
      Ellen Shriner

      I like your list! I’m grateful for my two book groups and writers groups and the long-standing friendships with smart interesting women that have resulted. I’m also grateful to be in pretty good health.

      1. Bev Bachel Avatar
        Bev Bachel

        I am grateful for your creativity…it inspires. I’m also grateful for the opportunity to join you as a fellow Word Sister. It means a lot.

    5. nirajshah2003 Avatar
      nirajshah2003

      Tha ability to say no is definitely very gopd amd something to be grateful for! Thanks for sharing!

      Feel free to read some of my blogs 🙂

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