• God Bless Middle-aged Daughters

    As I walk into the skilled nursing center where Mom is rehabilitating, I see other women like myself and think, “God bless middle-aged daughters.”

    We’re the sensible, competent women who make it all happen.

    On the street, we often go unnoticed, although we’re attractive. We dress well, but in age-appropriate clothes. No six-inch heels or short skirts. We may carry 10 to 20 extra pounds, but we’re fit, trim, and solid enough to carry the weight of the world.

    On our lunch hour, after work, or during weekend visits, we go see our failing mothers and fathers. We bring them flowering plants small enough to fit on a bedside table/hard candy/clean sox/good cheer.

    We comb their hair and smooth hand cream on their veiny hands and swollen feet. Once they could manage a demanding job or their family’s busy schedule, keep track of birthdays, recipes and grocery lists, but now they can’t remember what you told them five minutes ago, so we answer the same questions again and again. The times they emerge from the twilight, smile and say, “Oh honey, I wish you could always be here,” are heartbreaking treasure.

    As we go back to the office, drive home, or head to the airport, we sigh at the slippage and blink back tears at the losses. Then we put on our game face because somebody else needs us. We keep moving—plan the marketing campaign, schedule the meeting, throw in a load of wash, or make a decent dinner.

    We are careworn. Our lives are not glamorous (and never were—we didn’t aspire to that). We don’t expect much. We can be made happy with so little—a compliment when we don’t feel sexy or a hug from a kid who often seems oblivious.

    Photo credit: Bokal @ Vecteezy.com
    Photo credit: Bokal @ Vecteezy.com

    Sometimes we need to push back our realities for a little while, so we laugh ourselves silly over a stupid joke when we’re out with our girlfriends or sink into the sofa and pour a second glass of good wine.

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    16 responses to “God Bless Middle-aged Daughters”

    1. Eliza Waters Avatar

      Ellen, what a touching tribute to the countless millions who serve and do with little or no recognition. It touches my heart. Blessings!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
    2. Mary Blowers Avatar
      Mary Blowers

      Reblogged this on Mary Blowers, Author and commented:
      I had to reblog this. Sounds like my life.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you for reblogging the post. I hope it’s a comfort to your readers.

    3. Mary Blowers Avatar
      Mary Blowers

      This is so true to my experience of being the only family member in the state to look after first both my parents, and now my mother. You figure out ways to transport them despite your busy schedule. You get to know pharmacists and adult medical supply dealers by name. You learn to check their supplies when you’re visiting them. Your schedule gets less busy for your own stuff and more for theirs. You rejoice when you have time to shave your legs or paint your toenails. You think, I’ll catch up on all this when they’re gone, and in the meantime I’ll cherish them.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you for reading, It DOES help to realize that we’re not alone in this. Hang in there!

    4. Pam Avatar
      Pam

      We’ve had a hellish week here–dad has a blood clot, his skin disease has returned, and he’s calling us with bizarre stories at night. I would not make it without words like these. I am off to have my second glass of wine. Thanks, Ellen.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        We are sisters in this journey. so sorry your Dad and you are having a rough time.

    5. goldfishc Avatar
      goldfishc

      Ain’t it the truth. Hit that nail on the head.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        We prop each other up, don’t we?

    6. Johanna Avatar
      Johanna

      Amen, sister. ’

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thanks. I’m glad I’ve got you to share a glass of wine with.

    7. Cathy Madison Avatar
      Cathy Madison

      Excellent post, Ellen. You nailed those universal emotions. God bless you.

      Cathy Madison, Writer/Editor

      >

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thanks. I know you’ve been down this path too.

    8. Wendy Skinner Avatar

      Oh. Ellen. This breaks my heart on many levels. You captured your experiences with universal appeal. There are so many middle-aged daughters who can relate to this. I’m glad you can laugh. I’m appreciating more and more how laughter assuages the pain in life. May you and your mother have plenty of it…

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you. There ARE so many of us, but sharing it with friends DOES help.

  • Why We Read The Books We Do

    f306a4206f3db95e9d87a8b4aaf37eb6[1]“Guess what I’m reading,” 12-year old Crystel says.

    First, I try the vanilla genres, “Fiction, non-fiction, memoir, science fiction, fantasy?”

    She shakes her head no every time.

    What else is there?

    “Dark Romance,” she says. Her eyes light up.

    Oh, my, I think. “Books let you read anything you want,” I say, thinking of Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L. James and wondering what she IS reading.

    I have a 1 ½ hour round trip drive to work thus my book reading has become books on tapes. Jody noticed Fifty Shades in the car. She raised her eyebrows.

    “Don’t push Play when the kids are in the car,” I said.

    Fifty Shades ended up too spicy. I returned the trilogy to the library. How much flavoring can one take? Jody’s happy if I hold her hand.

    12-year old Antonio reads Pokémon from back cover to front. “I like reading different stories about Red the Trainer,” he said.

    Recently, he’s been downloading the series onto his IPod to read.

    I’ve not read a single page of Pokémon. I don’t enjoy graphic novels. It reminds me of the funnies. In my family of 14, the funnies were prime reading material on Sunday mornings. I avoided any tussling by turning my back on the colorful newspaper that would be shredded by noon.

    I don’t read fantasy or science fiction either. Give me the real stuff. Memoir, non-fiction, and fiction based on truth.

    One evening, Antonio held up a thick book. “Look what I’m reading,” he said.

    The heftiness of the book surprised me. What could hold his interest that long?

    He laughed. “It has lots of pictures in it.” He had found Wonderstruck by Brian Selznick in his school library. Not that he went to the libary on his own volition. He needed a book for reading prep.

    “Ta dah!” I’m sure he exclaimed after perusing the pages.

    I asked if the illustrations reminded him of his own pencil drawings. “Nope,” he said. There goes that elevated thought.

    After finishing Wonderstruck he found The Invention of Hugo Cabret by the same author.

    Antonio doesn’t know (or care) that the book won the 2008 Caledcott Medal, the first novel to do so.

    With 284 pictures within the book’s 526 pages, the book depends as much on its pictures as it does on the words.

    Selznick himself has described the book as “not exactly a novel, not quite a picture book, not really a graphic novel, or a flip book or a movie, but a combination of all these things.”

    “Guess what page I’m on?” Crystel says in the car, on the couch, in her bedroom, as she makes her way through her dark romance.

    “How did you find this book?” I asked her.

    “When I was on Utube I clicked a thing on Ellen and Twilight.”

    “I learned enough about the characters that when I went to our school library and saw the series, I picked it up. They didn’t have the first book, Twilight but they had New Moon. I read a little from the middle and there were no words that I didn’t know. And this cat is so cute. I’m reading Eclipse now.”

    The four Twilight books have consecutively set records as the biggest selling novels for children.

    Even so, I’m not interested in reading the series. It’s not my genre.

    Is the lesson here that parents can model reading but not the genre?

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  • On Loving (and Losing) Pets

    Cat and dog lovers give our hearts to our pets without reservations.

    When we begin a new relationship with a person, experience has taught us to take care with our hearts. But with a new dog or cat, we don’t worry if they’ll like us back, if they are willing to commit, if they will ever cheat on us, or if we’ll outgrow each other. We know they’ll love us wholeheartedly.

    My Tasha
    My Tasha

    We allow ourselves to be caught up—they’re so cute, sweet, and funny—that we can easily lose all sense of perspective. But we’re enjoying them too much to care if the anecdotes we tell about them have become tedious.

    We overlook how annoying our pets are—the messes, the whining, the way they eat stuff they shouldn’t, wreck our things, chew/scratch/claw—it’s all OK, because we’re besotted.

    We worry about their health, pay hundreds of dollars in vet bills, fuss over special foods, and adapt our schedules so we can take care of ailing pets.

    Ultimately, we agonize over end-of-life decisions: Do we have the right to keep them going even when they’re sick and in pain, because we aren’t ready to lose them? How will we know when they’ve had enough? How can we bear to part with them?

    Despite knowing we will likely outlive our pets, we willingly take on the cycle of loving/caretaking/loss, because our pets give us so much joy. Unreservedly.

    For anyone who has lost a beloved pet recently—especially Beth, Pam, Margo, Becky, and me.

    ,

    11 responses to “On Loving (and Losing) Pets”

    1. Pam Avatar
      Pam

      You once again manage to put it all out there and retain perspective at the same time, Ellen. If Rugby (feline, age 21) and Aldo (feline, age 14) hadn’t gone when they were ready, we may not have taken The Rambler (feline, age 2-3) inside last month to join our remaining menagerie. I had to consider losing him one day, too, that is if he doesn’t outlive me! It’s coincidental that The Rambler looks as if he could be the Love Child of Rugby and Aldo. Or is it? 😉

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        I know it’s been a tough year for you, too. I’m glad you have The Rambler.

    2. Beth Avatar

      I just want to send you a hug. I’m so sorry for your loss. Someone once told me that letting our pets go–facing the decision and being brave enough to release them from this life–is our greatest act of kindness, love, and compassion for them.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you for your kind words, and I felt that hug! Tasha was in such tough shape, I knew I needed to let her go–it would be selfish not to. I miss her a lot, but it’s easier now that we’re at our new house.

    3. Debra Fisher Goldstein Avatar

      My deepest condolences, Ellen. We share this journey with you, and so many.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you. I remember seeing you when one of your buddies had just died–it’s just plain hard, isn’t it? But worth it.

    4. Eliza Waters Avatar

      Ellen (and others), so sorry to hear about your heartache. Your Tasha was a beauty.
      My 11-yr.old Ruby and I are walking that final road right now. We take each day as it comes. She has liver cancer and the most we can do is make her comfortable and coax her to eat. Some days are good, and others, not so much. Still, that love makes the whole process bearable; it’s written into the contract.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        So sorry Ruby is so ill. I hope you can remember more of the good than the bad.

        1. Eliza Waters Avatar

          Thank you, Ellen. I cherish every moment I have with her. She’ll let us know when it is her time.

    5. wendyaskinner Avatar

      🙂 Feeling the love…for pets…

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        thanks! how’s your corgi(s)?


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