WordSisters

  • I’ve Never Been a Daredevil, But . . .

    Ellen Shriner's avatar

    Ellen Shriner

    As I settled into my seat at the movie theater and muted my phone, an unwelcome thought sneaked in, “Is going out to the movies risky behavior?” I stifled it quickly, “A crazed gunman in the old-fashioned Edina Theater? That’s silly.” Worrying about my safety at movie theaters never used to cross my mind. I resent having to consider it now.

    It’s disturbing to realize so many of the ordinary things I do put me in the kinds of places where mentally ill people or terrorists choose to murder and wreak havoc. However, I have no intention of curtailing my activities.

    Shopping at malls – I don’t spend much time in malls, but while there, I have never worried about my safety. However, the shoppers in the mall in St. Cloud, Minn. or near Seattle, Wash. probably didn’t give it a second thought either.

    Tutoring at the high school – I love the work I do tutoring adult immigrants and have never felt remotely threatened by any of them. The students I know are hardworking and determined to learn, get better jobs, and live the American Dream. But schools and colleges have been the scene of mass shootings in recent years. Perhaps I should be worried, but I refuse to be.

     Visiting international cities – I enjoy traveling overseas, but because of the history of terrorism in London, Brussels, and Paris, I will have to consider my safety in airports as well as in the cities themselves when I go. Losing my luggage or getting pickpocketed seem like more realistic threats than terrorism, but I can’t help being aware of the potential for an attack.

    Often, public places happen to be the settings where a personal grudge is played out—I might not be the target—but I still could be injured or killed by a stray bullet. The issue is not that one middle class white person has to think harder about her safety. It’s that no matter who you are or where you live in America, you are at risk of mass shootings, because of our gun laws and cultural tolerance of violence.

    Equally troubling is that zealots with knives, trucks, and bombs threaten people across the world, not just Americans.

    I remain defiant. There are no easy solutions to gun violence and terrorism. But part of the solution has to be resistance—resisting the impulse to hide and resisting the impulse to shrug and say, “Oh well, what can you do?” We have to keep fighting for change.

    Although terrorism and acts of mass violence are now part of our reality, I refuse to give in to fear. I’ve never been a daredevil, but I have no intention of giving up activities I love like movies, shopping malls, tutoring, or traveling.

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    6 responses to “I’ve Never Been a Daredevil, But . . .”

    1. Kim Gorman Avatar
      Kim Gorman

      I admit I’ve had similar thoughts every time I go to the movies, which isn’t often. I took my son to see Secret Lives of Pets in August and I thought, if a gunman comes in, I’ll throw myself over Christian and tell him to pretend we’re both dead. I even went so far as to wonder if I should carry fake blood on me to make it seem like we’re dead. Which I know is a totally insane thought to have, but have it I did. It’s a scary world we live in, but you’re correct that it’s also important to not let the bad guys win by not living our lives fully anymore.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Thanks for adding your thoughts. I’m pretty fatalistic (if it’s my turn, it’s my turn), but it was weird to realize those worries had crept into the back of my mind. As for planning what you might do, the writer in us means we have really good imaginations — too good sometimes!

    2. Susanne Avatar
      Susanne

      I live in a capital city and these thoughts cross my mind, too, although Canada’s history and gun laws are much different than those in the US. When I was little, the big fear was nuclear apocalypse and air raid test sirens were the norm up until I was about 7. Man, those scared the bejaysus out of me. Stay safe, Ellen and continue to enjoy life.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        I appreciate your comments, Susanne. I don’t spend much time worrying about my safety, but it was odd to realize that maybe I ought to.

    3. bbachel Avatar
      bbachel

      Here’s to your continued safety…and defiance. May all we practice daily deeds of daring.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Thanks! You too

  • No Merit Badge For This

    Elizabeth di Grazia's avatar

    Elizabeth di Grazia

    davannis“After Penn Fest, Ryan wants me to come over and hang out and then we’ll go to the Mall of  America”, Juan said.

    Juan would be finishing up his shift at Davanni’s. His second job. He was a line judge for soccer over the summer. A fellow cross-country runner told him that Davanni’s hired 14-year-old’s. His cross-country coach introduced him to the hiring manager.

    I gave him a sideways look. “Who else are you going with? Who are you going to meet up with? I’ll need more information.”

    “Just us,” he said.

    I gave Juan the usual response. “I’ll have to check with his parents.”

    We were driving home from Boy Scouts. Juan had hoped to have his final three merit badges checked off. (I was, too. If he’s in scouts, I’m in scouts.) He’s aiming to get his Eagle Scout by the end of this year.

    Turning on Penn Avenue from 50th Street, I asked him. “What would you do if there was a fight in the food court?”

    Eagle Project, Antiqua Guatemala
    Eagle Project, Antiqua Guatemala

    He dodged, displaying a typical defensive teenage move. “Ryan and I won’t be in the food court.”

    I persisted. “Still, what if you were and a fight broke out?”

    Juan described some superhero ninja moves he’d make leaping over railings, running faster than the speed of light. Then he paused, “Ryan isn’t as fast as me, though.”

    I didn’t tell him that Ryan was white and didn’t need to be as fast as him.

    Instead, I said, “You’re Hispanic. If you’re running from a fight, police could think you were a part of it. If the police ever stop you, you stop. You don’t argue, you lay down, and when you can, you call your moms.”

    I went on to tell him that there were at least 10 teens arrested at the Mall of America the day before. All were juveniles, ranging in age from 12 to 15.

    Juan is 14.

    He doesn’t have any fear of the police. He shouldn’t. I’m a volunteer Police Reserve Officer, Jody is currently going through orientation to be a Police Reserve, and he’s never been in trouble.

    He’s known to the Richfield police because he’s helped me with police patrol, vehicle maintenance on police cars, and wrapping gifts with the police at holiday time for Heroes and Helpers.

    After his eight grade school year, he’s planning on becoming a police explorer.

    Juan has no thought of being concerned. He’s an A/B student and active in three sports. All of his interactions with police have been positive.

    Still, when there’s a melee involving 200 juveniles, he’s just another Hispanic. I thought of him getting thrown to the ground, kneed in the back, his arm twisted behind him.

    I repeated, “If you’re ever told to stop, you stop, you don’t argue, you lay down, and when you can, you call your moms.”

    I left him with these words, “What the police see is a Hispanic running away.”

     

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    3 responses to “No Merit Badge For This”

    1. Eliza Waters Avatar
      Eliza Waters

      Harsh reality, I’m afraid. Best to learn these things when young. In a few years, he’ll be on his own and your lessons will hold him in good stead.

    2. Lindagail Roy Avatar
      Lindagail Roy

      So sad. Like the talk mothers have to have with their daughters, about rape. If you’re in that situation, you do whatever you have to do to stay alive.

    3. bbachel Avatar
      bbachel

      Once again, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. And made me better understand how how different the world can be when you’re not a white 50+ woman.

  • Back To School Blues

    Ellen Shriner's avatar

    Ellen Shriner

    For 22 years—first as a student and later as a college instructor—the school year framed my days. Consequently, the first day of school still evokes strong feelings.

    red-plaid-lunch-boxWhen I was younger, heading back to school touched off a prowling anxiety. Worries stalked me at odd moments—What if I can’t find my room? What if none of my friends are in my class? What if the teacher is picky and mean? Once classes were underway, anxiety gave way to feeling trapped. Oh God, I’m stuck in school for months on end. Lectures, homework, tests. Somewhere between Day 1 and Day 2, I accepted my fate and began to acknowledge bright spots—a teacher who liked to joke, Oreos in my plaid lunchbox, or a book I didn’t mind reading.

     

    When I began teaching college English, I discovered teachers often dread the start of school, too. For me, it was a sinking feeling that began several weeks before school started. Oh, God, I need to make a syllabus, which means I have to decide exactly what I’m covering: choose readings, dream up in-class exercises, and plan the assignments. What if I get a handful of surly students? They could completely undermine the class dynamic for 10 weeks. tan-brief-bag

    My anxiety culminated in a night-before-the-first-day-of-class nightmare. Every quarter, I dreamed a variation of this dream: I’m 20 minutes late to class. I’m walking down an endless corridor and can’t find the room I’m supposed to be in. I finally arrive only to realize that I’m in my pink chenille bathrobe and the students have given up on me. Some of them are already in the English department office complaining about me. My stomach would be roiling when I woke up. As I stuffed my leather briefbag with mimeographed syllabi, lecture notes, and my grade book, I laughed at how ludicrous the nightmare was.

     

    This fall, on the first day of class, I was surprised to again feel a frisson of nerves. What if I got lost or showed up late? Just to be sure, I double checked the transit routes and downloaded a campus map. What if the professor thinks retirees are cranky know-it-alls? Do I really want to show up twice a week and sit through lectures?

    Wait. Yeah, I do. Anxiety about the first day of school may be deep-seated, but it no longer makes sense. I’m only auditing a history class at the University of Minnesota. There’s no pressure to perform as a teacher or as a student. In the rush of those habitual feelings, I’d nearly forgotten that the beginning of school also sparks an invigorating sense of a fresh start.

    backpackI loaded up my backpack with the three heavy textbooks—ooof—and set off.

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    6 responses to “Back To School Blues”

    1. bbachel Avatar
      bbachel

      Heading back to school makes you once again my role model. As I continue to ponder what next, one thing is clear: I will spend more time in college classes (hopefully without the anxiety or pressure to excel I used to feel).

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        I’m really having fun! Just show up and learn stuff. If I don’t finish the reading–no big deal. I’m definitely not writing the papers! Hope you try it.

    2. Susanne Avatar
      Susanne

      Isn’t it strange that we have these anxieties years after the end of school? I still have dreams about not completing assignments and wake up in a panic only to realize – hey! – I’m 59. Wake up! Wonderful, evocative post, Ellen. You got my anxiety cranked up!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Glad you could relate! Thanks for following WordSisters.

    3. Clair Chaytors Avatar
      Clair Chaytors

      But just think about all of the tons of stationery that you simply just have to have 😉

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
        Ellen Shriner

        Yeah, no kidding! Fine point pens too. Thanks for checking out WordSisters.

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