• Competing With Friends for Writers’ Awards

    Earlier this month, I applied for an Emerging Writer’s Grant and a Loft Creative Prose Mentorship, knowing full well that I’m competing with my good friends for these honors. I really want to win. So do the women in my creative nonfiction writers group.

    We’ve known each other for years. We’ve visited each other’s homes. We’ve cried together when one of our circle died. These women often know more know about the contents of my mind and heart than some of my family members do—they read my innermost thoughts firsthand when our group meets.

    They are insightful critics and steadfast cheerleaders. Because we share personal essays and memoir, our subject matter is always personal. Sharing our stories requires trust, and we’ve strengthened that trust over the years. The other writers don’t judge me or my life. But they do evaluate my writing craft and urge me to do my best. We all understand that the writer is different from the writing.

    Perhaps the ability to draw the distinction between the person and the craft is why we’re able to draw other distinctions and balance two seemingly conflicting ideas: we’re friends and we’re competing.

    Although there have occasionally been moments of frustration or resentment among the group members, we have been able to rise above them. For me, these aspects of our group dynamic have helped keep our competition from turning into conflict—

    • All of us are accomplished writers who deserve to win a grant or a mentorship. But we know that winning these contests is a crapshoot. Once you’ve met a certain level of competence, the next round of judging is subjective—my memoir about wrestling with feminism in 1979 might not appeal to a judge as much as my friend’s essays about traveling in Cuba. Luck plays a role.
    • Over the years, we have fostered a “one for all, all for one” mentality. When illness sapped our founder’s energy, the group mounted a submissions campaign to help her get published. When members ask the group to review their grant proposals, we give them our best advice.
    • Some of us openly state that we’re going after an award; others are more circumspect—each according to her personality. Perhaps that tact and reticence is what enables us to avoid open conflict.

    I don’t know for sure what the magic is. And I hope talking about it doesn’t wreck it. I’m proud to be a part of a group that has navigated these tricky waters successfully . . . so far.

    I want an Emerging Writer’s Grant or a Loft Mentorship. If someone else in the group wins, I’ll be sorely disappointed for myself. But I’ll be happy for her.

    , , , ,

    7 responses to “Competing With Friends for Writers’ Awards”

    1. […] Sharing our grant proposals and writing award applications, even when we’re competing for the same grants and awards. […]

    2. Pamela Gemin Avatar
      Pamela Gemin

      I understand what this post is about, having applied for several grants, awards, and residencies as a writer and learning that my female friends were also entering the same competitions. I love the “all for one, one for all” attitude you speak of and it’s uplifting to hear that your group is so tight and supportive. There have been times when I thought I should have gotten the prize, but when I read the winner’s entry I understood why I would have to wait my turn. If we work hard, good things eventually happen. Meanwhile we just have to keep getting better! Writers, unlike athletes and other competitive hopefuls, only get better.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        I have definitely looked back on submitted work and a)cringed a little or b) seen why I didn’t win. . . 😉

    3. wendyaskinner Avatar

      So well spoken, er, I mean written. I wish you the best of luck on the Mentor grant and to everyone in your writing group who’s applying. It will be a great reason for a party if anyone from your writing group wins the grant!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thanks for the support! As the six of us sat around a table at Caribou, we all agreed that at least SOMEBODY in our group should win.

    4. Bury, Nell Avatar
      Bury, Nell

      Good Luck!! I love reading your blog.

      From: WordSisters <comment-reply@wordpress.com> Reply-To: WordSisters <comment+pgx380qiy1wnm_6qvi1jln@comment.wordpress.com> Date: Thursday, April 11, 2013 6:59 AM To: Nell Bury <nell@inmind-design.com> Subject: [New post] Competing With Friends for Writers Awards

      Ellen Shriner posted: “Earlier this month, I applied for an Emerging Writers Grant and a Loft Creative Prose Mentorship, knowing full well that Im competing with my good friends for these honors. I really want to win. So do the women in my creative nonfiction writers group. “

  • Going to the Dogs: On being a Decoy

    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve done some crazy stuff before but volunteering as a decoy for police dogs ranks close to the top. At first, as with most new adventures the idea of being a decoy was thrilling. I was very aware of the nearing day, checking my calendar, reading the email over and over, making sure that I had the right time and the proper clothing. Long sleeve shirt, pants, boots.

    My impetus for being a decoy was simply that I had never done it before and it sounded exciting. How often are you given the opportunity to be dog bait? Exactly. Within a minute of seeing the text asking for volunteers I responded with a firm, “Yes”. Apparently, no one else had this strong feeling because I was the only volunteer from our police reserve unit.

    Sometimes when you really want something and you also don’t really want the same thing it doesn’t happen. I half expected this training event to be cancelled.

    It wasn’t.

    And sometimes you try to imagine what this new adventure will look like.

    Visions of running across a field of flowers with a dog, maybe a Labrador, bounding after me and then taking a gentle leap pulling me to the ground was my image.

    Ignorance is bliss fits right in here.

    Reality was a vacant building, darkness, and me lying on a floor in the corner of an empty room with a sheet of black plastic covering me.

    There would be numerous police dogs with a K-9 police officer attempting to locate me, one by one. When does numerous become many? Let’s say when the count is over five. There would be many police dogs, each with their own K-9 police officer taking turns locating me one by one.

    Aloneness is being in a dark vacant building waiting for a dog to attack. You know it’s coming. You’re warned, “Come out or I’ll send my dog in after you. You WILL get bit.” In case you didn’t hear it the first time you’re warned again. “You WILL get bit. Come out NOW.”

    But and this is a big BUT, the role of a decoy is not to come out. The role of a decoy is to be still in the dark, under the tarp, until the dog latches onto you.

    This leaves you time to think. And, you think, I know I’m going to get bit. Some place on my body. Maybe it will be my arm or my leg, could be my back or my shoulder.

    I wasn’t too worried. I was suited up in a bite suit with a helmet on.

    The advertisement for the Ultra Kimono Training Bite Suit says that high back and chest bites can be taken with confidence.

    I can’t say that I was confident but I wasn’t too scared. I was squished in the corner like the Michelen man facing the wall. I felt as protected as one can feel when a police dog is on the prowl and you are the target.

    Lying under the tarp, breathing shallow, I didn’t stir.

    I heard the dog entering the room. It wasn’t the tap, tap of his nails that I heard first but his heavy, rapid breathing. He came closer. The dog barked a “He’s here boss!” which sounds like 2 or 3 loud snaps. The animal began moving the plastic around with his paws trying to find me with the K-9 police officer urging him on. “Get him! Get a piece of him! Find him!”

    I didn’t move.

    The dog latched onto my helmet and started pulling me out of the plastic. I played the next part perfectly, “Get your dog off me! Get your dog off me!” I screamed. “Get em off!”

    With every dog attack my fear increased exponentially. Each police dog didn’t just want a piece of me they wanted my head. “He’s got my helmet! He’s got my helmet! He’s pulling it off! Get your dog off me!”

    After one attack I took my helmet off. “Is that blood?” I asked looking down at the droplets on the floor. I felt the top of my head which felt tender but didn’t come away bloody. “Oh, that’s from the dog,” I said. It was the dog’s saliva I was seeing on the floor.

    By this time, I was scared like one should be when being attacked by a police dog. Almost all the dogs went for my head no matter how they tried to position me on the floor. The bite suit was so thick and big that I couldn’t get my sleeve up to hold my helmet on and I was sure that the dogs were going to pop me like a cork. A K-9 police officer even tried to expose my back side so the dogs would go for it. Nada. They wanted Beth’s head.

    I acted as a decoy in two other scenarios with multiple police dogs – standing in a corner down a long, long corridor and standing in a corner with a tarp over me. This time the dogs went for my leg. I learned that you shake your leg rapidly after the dog latches on so it doesn’t re-bite you. This is important to know if you’re a bad guy.

    Having become aware of my vulnerability as a human being I started to question my soundness of mind. In-between dogs I had plenty of time to think about that. I thought maybe I wouldn’t need to do this activity again. Perhaps being a decoy one time was enough.

    And, when I had the opportunity to call it a night, I sat down as quick as I could to get that bite suit off and hustled out of the building.

    But, a day has gone by. And I think I just might do it again. You don’t often get the opportunity to feel that afraid and test your mettle. I have learned from this experience. Don’t go prone. Volunteer for the standing position.

    , ,

    2 responses to “Going to the Dogs: On being a Decoy”

    1. Carol Avatar
      Carol

      You ROCK, girl! 🙂

      1. Elizabeth di Grazia Avatar
        Elizabeth di Grazia

        Thanks, Carol!

  • Beware of the Queen Bee

    In her Wall Street Journal article, “The Tyranny of the Queen Bees” Peggy Drexler reports that a 2011 American Management Association survey of 1,000 working women found that 95% of them believed another woman at some point in their careers undermined them. Drexler cites a number of other surveys in which women bosses were bullies, and most of the time their targets were other women.

    The Queen Bees’ favorite tactics are making snide remarks about another woman’s appearance, holding subordinates to unreasonably high standards, gossiping about them, and generally acting like high school mean girls. Various sources in the article theorize that Queen Bees bully because they are insecure and view up-and-coming women as threats.

    Screen shot 2013-03-27 at 10.24.04 PM

    My first reaction was dismay. As a baby boom woman, I have vivid memories of the days when men often disrespected women in the workplace and discriminated against us. How could a woman who’d lived through workplace bias treat another woman so poorly? I expect middle-aged women to know and act better. And I HATE IT when women act out negative stereotypes (catty, bitchy, etc.) Not only is their bad behavior galling, but it also makes it harder for the rest of us to succeed.

    But after some reflection, I realized that while I believe Queen Bees exist, and I’ve known people who have been hurt by them, I know far more women who are supportive of other women and willingly mentor younger women.

    One friend was a senior leader at a Fortune 500 and she was an active part of a corporate women’s mentoring group. Another friend, a successful business owner, is very generous with her time and advice. In addition to mentoring professional women, she volunteers with organizations that reach out to younger women. My middle-aged coworkers and I are very willing to mentor.

    Screen shot 2013-03-27 at 10.22.57 PM

    What’s interesting is that the youngest women in the department (recent grads) seek out several of us for mentoring, while the women who have a little bit experience are fiercely independent and prefer to go their own way. Sometimes I have watched in horror as some of them do things the hardest way possible. But they don’t want advice, so I don’t antagonize them by offering any.

    While I believe Queen Bees exist and can wreak havoc, I think generous, supportive women outnumber them. The dynamics of women in the workplace are as varied and complex as women are themselves.

    What’s your experience as a mentor or mentee?  Have you ever dealt with a Queen Bee?

    , , , ,

    5 responses to “Beware of the Queen Bee”

    1. Theresa Avatar
      Theresa

      As always, Ellen, thanks for sharing life moments that sometimes parallel my own. A few years ago, I was chosen to train a new hire. Although a seasoned employee, she proceeded to turn the simpliest tasks into a complicated mess. As her self-inflicted stress grew, it was convenient for her to rant as soon as the (male) boss left the building. I learned an important lesson, which was summed up in your words, “…don’t antagonize them by offering any (advice).” With sincerity, I hope your friends are as wonderful as you believe them to be. My first, albeit cynical, thought was: “Ahhhhhh, but you don’t work with them.” In the end, I want to focus on creating a peaceful existence in my life, despite the chaos whirling around me. 🙂

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Theresa, I think I may have been in Pollyanna mode about Queen Bees–as you and another reader gently pointed out. I think sometimes I’ve fallen into the trap of expecting women to be better than men . . . I appreciate your comments, as always!

    2. Johanna Avatar
      Johanna

      Yes, there definitely are queen bees! I have seen them in families as well as work situations. Women are more likely to be tuned into the emotions and drama around them and can let that affect them for good and bad. But men have their faults also. I have known several men who are overbearing “kings”.

    3. Ellen Shriner Avatar

      Thanks for adding your perspective. Women’s tactics often are more sly, harder to address directly, hence their power. I think I’ve been sheltered from queen bees because while I was freelancing, I wasn’t part of corporate life. I didn’t mean to discount the damage queen bees do, but I hope they are the minority. When I think of the women I count as friends, I know all of them would gladly mentor other women.

    4. Cathy Madison Avatar
      Cathy Madison

      Queen Bees definitely exist, and they sting with abandon. Whether they rank above you or below you, they often operate in subtle ways, more by stonewalling and sabotaging than by direct confrontation. It’s as if they resent any success you might enjoy and must nip it in the bud, rather than seeing your path as possibly paving the way for their own. While I have also dealt with harassing men, they were focused on their own careers and unconcerned with mine. The women caused more trouble. That said, the helpers of both genders vastly outnumbered the hinderers. Male dominance in the workplace meant more male mentors.


Recent Posts

  • Borrowed Time

    Rain hammered the passenger van, rattling the metal like gravel tossed against a tin roof. Each burst sounded closer, louder, as if the storm were trying to break its way in. Why today, of all days, when Juan was visiting his birth family? We had planned it so carefully. We’d even had a kind of…

  • From Minneapolis

    …they have cost children the life of their mother….

  • A Few of My Favorite Things

    When I feel world-weary, I actively try to turn away from the world’s troubles and focus on the many good things in my life. In addition to my family and friends, here are some things I enjoyed this past year—art, books, nature. Sorry, no raindrops on roses! When I saw this painting I wanted to…