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Revising My 10-Point Plan for Happiness (a.k.a. the Lure of Possibility)

Ellen Shriner

March 5, 2014
More than 30 years ago, a good friend and I regularly launched what we mockingly called our “10-Point Plan for Happiness.” Our plans always included these steps: Quit going to the bars so much, especially during the week. Stop dating losers. Work out more. No more French fries/potato chips/chocolate or whatever indulgence was tempting us that week. Oh yeah, and save more money. But over the years, I’ve shortened up the list.

Even as my friend and I made those resolutions, we knew we were likely to backslide.

But there’s something very appealing about setting goals and having a plan—it helped me feel in control of my life. Setting goals is the means to accomplishing something and the counterpoint to daydreaming, but never doing. If I just follow these simple steps, I can make my life better—who wouldn’t want that?

Believing change is possible is ingrained in the American psyche. The lure of possibility is undeniable. If you’re fat and out of shape you can be transformed, especially if you win a chance to be on The Biggest Loser. If you’re clueless about clothes and your personal appearance, Stacy and Clinton can reform you on What Not to Wear. If you’re a philandering politician, you can humble yourself, ask your spouse and voters to forgive you and after some time has passed, you can be re-elected like U.S. representative Mark Sanford (ex-governor of South Carolina).

I believe real change is possible, but it isn’t fast or easy—it takes a lot more effort than making lists as I did in my 20’s or a going on a whirlwind clothes-buying spree. The people I’ve known who have reinvented themselves worked hard at it for years.

Sometimes my life feels like it’s one big Continuous Quality Improvement project. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the changes I need to undertake are refinements, not sweeping transformations. So I try to be a better writer, and I tinker with how to squeeze in more time for projects I enjoy, travel, family, friends, and fun. That focus has made my life richer and more fulfilled.

I no longer believe that I’m capable of making major improvements to myself . . . or that I even need to. That’s not smug self-satisfaction, but another way of saying I’m learning to accept my flaws. I’ll keep trying to think before I speak. I’ll also try not to offer advice unless asked. However, I know I’m going to backslide sometimes, and even though I’ll fall short on those goals (and others), I’m still basically OK.

If the goal is happiness, perfection is not required . . . or even useful. So my current Plan for Happiness has a mere three points:
1. Be kinder to myself— accept and forgive my shortcomings.
2. Continue to focus on being healthy (food, exercise, stress management), but don’t fret too much about any of those items.
3. Continue to spend more time doing what I love, less on what I don’t.
What works for you?
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Diet, Exercise, Friends, Personal Growth, resolutions, Writing
7 responses to “Revising My 10-Point Plan for Happiness (a.k.a. the Lure of Possibility)”
1. Dennis Cardiff
  
  March 12, 2014
  
  Very good advice. ~ Dennis
  1. Ellen Shriner
    
    March 12, 2014
    
    Thanks for reading, Dennis!
2. Margaret Mary
  
  March 8, 2014
  
  Yes, let’s keep our eye on our best self. I think you are right; if planned, it may be possible.
3. Ellen Shriner
  
  March 7, 2014
  
  Thanks, Rose!
4. Ann Schwartz
  
  March 6, 2014
  
  You inspire me!
  1. Ellen Shriner
    
    March 7, 2014
    
    Ann, thanks for reading
5. Rosemary Davis
  
  March 6, 2014
  
  This, and your new plan, works for me! Bravo!
On Being President

Elizabeth di Grazia

February 26, 2014
Antonio di Grazia 5th Grade President!

The presidency started off like many presidencies. When Crystel announced that Antonio was running for 5^th grade class president, he denied it, “She’s lying!”

“Oh my goodness,” I said. “Antonio, your sister was excited for you. She just thought that you threw your hat in the ring. That’s all.”

I didn’t tell him that I was excited, too.

Antonio just wasn’t ready to share it with the world. The next day he confirmed that he was running for President. Candidates are allowed to waffle.

5th grade Presidency leads to White House. First Dog.

I asked him if he wanted me to write a speech for him. He said, “No.”

I did it anyway. I knew that he would probably need a speech and why not have one ready? I could see it in my mind. He’d pull it out of his backpack, it would be typed, easy to ready. And, oh, so eloquent.

Have you ever felt different? I have too. Starting with this line was sure to grab everyone’s heart. And, how vulnerable for a fifth grade boy. I could see Antonio on stage, speaking clearer than he has ever spoke. (In reality, he absolutely hates being the center of attention. And has refused since preschool to be on a stage).

Carving of President di Grazia scheduled on Mount Rushmore.

Then I went on to say how I like Pokémon and soccer. Thinking that would bring in the male vote.

I was really into this. I thought if he was willing to stick his neck out at least I should offer my assistance. I didn’t worry too much about his popularity. His grades looked like he had been campaigning all last quarter.

After I finished writing the speech, I put it in a plastic sheaf so it wouldn’t get crinkled, and I slipped it into his science notebook.

Coming home from running errands, I saw that the speech was gone and that he had gone back to bed.

Probably to look the speech over.

My New Home. In Retirement.

But another part of me knew better and I checked the garbage. And, there it was. My speech all torn up in itty bitty pieces with the plastic sheath on top.

He told me that the speech was suppose to be WHY you wanted to be President. “Can you just say, “Because it’s pretty cool, and I’d feel awesome?”

He didn’t want to draw any posters – it was too much work. Too, bad. If he had included Pokemon drawings on his campaign posters, they would have been rad.

I knew WE had an uphill battle for this presidency. Even his sister wasn’t going to vote for him.

Unpacking

The big snowstorm put off the vote for a week. After the vote (no Antonio didn’t win), we were sitting talking about this blog, he said with a grin, those people who put posters up have to take every piece of tape off the wall, even the sticky part.

And now that I’m sitting with THEE Crystel, she tells me that Antonio didn’t even vote for himself and he voted for the person who won.

Oh my goodness.
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Grade School, Motherhood, Writing
One response to “On Being President”
1. Rosemary Davis
  
  February 26, 2014
  
  I love your blogs!!!!!! This one was terrific… R.A. Davis
How I’m Overcoming my Resistance to Social Media—One Writer’s Insights

Ellen Shriner

February 21, 2014
As a writer, I am constantly torn between writing (which I actively enjoy) and marketing via social media (which inspires considerably less enthusiasm). Yet, if I want to discover more people who are interested in this blog and who might want to read my memoir one day, I need to make friends with strangers. Social media helps me do that. But what’s the right mix of social media activities? How do I keep up with my current friends while meeting new ones?

By nature I’m a social person. I visit with a number of people—phone calls, lunches, dinners, book group, writers’ group. I enjoy our in-depth interactions immensely. I like the time spent on half-hour phone calls, two-hour meals, and conversations about books or writing. But the high-quality visits leave me with less time for social media.

I know I should find more time to post on Facebook, Goodreads, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Instagram, or learning some new app—but when? As a reality check, I made a list of all the stuff I try to do every week. I impressed myself. Wow! I am busy. But so are a lot of people, yet they make time for social media. Certainly I can squeeze in a few more hours per week.

Unfortunately, social media moves fast and needs daily or even hourly attention. Since I check Facebook only twice a week, Facebook assumes I don’t care enough, so these days, I only get updates about five people.

Pinterest holds no interest and I’m way behind on Goodreads.

Although I keep up with LinkedIn, until now, I’ve reserved that channel for the other side of my writing career—marketing communications.

Performance anxiety has kept me from Twitter. Even though I write for a living, headlines and short text aren’t my strong suits. I write l o o o n n g text. How will I ever manage being clever and interesting in 140 characters?!? I am somewhat encouraged to discover that Joyce Carol Oates, who’s the epitome of a busy prolific writer, was also a reluctant tweeter.

I’m glad to engage acquaintances intellectually. I’ve got a ton of opinions about politics, books, and life in general. I like learning new things and exchanging ideas—maybe that’s the key. Perhaps I need to think of Twitter as a playground of ideas, commentary, and 140-character conversations.

After reviewing this inventory, I realize that like Dan Blank (a great resource for writers) maybe I need to focus—let go of a few social media options (Facebook, Pinterest) and concentrate more on others—start Twitter, give Goodreads another try, and introduce my business friends to my blog via LinkedIn.

Please share your insights about social media—what do you like to do and why? What works for you?
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Blogging, Social media, The Writing Life, Writers groups, Writing
4 responses to “How I’m Overcoming my Resistance to Social Media—One Writer’s Insights”
1. Patrick Ross
  
  March 2, 2014
  
  Hi Ellen,
  
  You are wise in thinking you should start by focusing on one platform, ideally one that you find rewarding. Better to be the master of one than a servant to many. Or as Ron Swanson once said on Parks and Recreation, “Don’t do two things half-assed. Do one thing whole-assed.” (Sorry for the profanity, but if they can say it on broadcast television…)
  
  You reveal the true reason for your aversion in this post, however. The issue is not lack of time. You describe lengthy, in-person engagements with friends as “high-quality,” clearly suggesting that social media is “low-quality.” In addition, you say you should be doing it for marketing, which means it is a task involving real labor with amorphous returns. Perhaps you should rethink your approach. Perhaps you shouldn’t worry about “marketing.” Perhaps there are people out there online who are very much like the people you have two-hour dinners with, people with whom you could connect and engage in lengthy conversations and offerings of mutual support. But you won’t know unless you go out there. So I’d suggest you change your intentions. Don’t worry about your platform or marketing; just go explore and look for opportunities to engage in “high-quality” conversations.
  
  Patrick
  1. Ellen Shriner
    
    March 2, 2014
    
    Thanks for the insights, Patrick. You’ve given me a new way to think about social media.
2. Eliza Waters
  
  February 21, 2014
  
  I try to balance things based on staying happy and engaged. When it becomes work that doesn’t feel good, I switch off and go for a walk. It always renews me. I started blogging clueless as to how much time I would spend building relationships, but that has turned out to be the blessing in the whole process. I truly enjoy encouraging and praising others’ efforts and find I care about these long-distance friends. I’m okay with slowly building a solid foundation.
  1. Ellen Shriner
    
    February 21, 2014
    
    I like how you think about building relationships via blogging–glad I met you! Thanks for the support.