• Mama-Sister

    “You don’t know anything about me.”

    My brother was right. I didn’t. I didn’t have any idea where he had gone. What he did. Who he knew. His incarceration record. Jails. Prison.

    The 23-year-old sitting with me and a staff member at the halfway house had called me mom until he was 8 years old. He was the last of my parents’ 12 children. I took care of him the best a teenager could.

    “I’m afraid you’re going to die, Johnny,” I said. “That I won’t see you again. I’ll get a phone call saying that you’re dead.” I sobbed.

    The fight left him. He softened. Maybe he was remembering the times I tried to locate him when our parents put him away in homes for troubled kids. Homes, plural.

    “I wish I could have taken you with me,” I said. “I couldn’t. I had to save myself.”

    One time I did find him. He was 13. I called and set a date with the residential facility without my parent’s knowledge. Sitting next to him on the couch, I explained to him and the therapist what it was like in our family. Tried to give Johnny the words for the things he saw. The violence, the sexual abuse. “It’s not you,” I said. “This was what it was like in our home.”

    SISTER NO CONTACT was the result of my visit. I wouldn’t see Johnny for years.

    My children are 21 going on 22 years old. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking of Johnny. Though I think of him all the time. A loss that never leaves. There is always the thought – if I could have just taken him with me. Impossible. I didn’t have any money. I didn’t have a home. I was only 19 years old. I keep replaying it in my head, wanting it to be a movie. Girl saves baby brother. Mama-sister and kid brother leave home, grow up together. Safe. Happy.

    My son and daughter are safe. They aren’t worried about where they’re going to rest their heads tonight. Johnny was long gone by their age. It was typical to be kicked out of our house when you graduated high school. Johnny didn’t get that grace. He was gone by 13. He never graduated. Never got his GED. Finally left for Alaska and the fishing boats.

    All morning I’ve been looking down the basement stairs towards Juan’s bedroom. Looking for light, movement. Finally, I text: Are U alive down there? Need food? Fresh air? Water? Don’t make me come open your door for a health check.

    I relax when he texts: I am alive lol. I have my water bottle. I was about to change and come up for food. Smiley face emoji. I’m invested in a show, worst roommate ever.

    Crystel is building her life in Hawaii, knowing she has a home in Minnesota. Our weekly phone calls are as much to keep up with her as they are to support her.

    Twenties are for exploration. My time and energy were consumed with living at a halfway house, AA, and therapy. AA raising me. Teaching me values. Honesty. Truth. How to belong to a group. I hung on for dear life and learned everything I could.

    All you have to do is grow up and get out. I left the farmstead believing Johnny would survive. I can still feel our last hug. This 19-year-old woman hugging the 8-year-old boy.

    He never got free.  Even after our parents’ death.

     He died of a heroin overdose at 29.  His home – a makeshift shelter in The Jungle, a strip of woods in Seattle. He had his brothers and sisters’ contact information on a scrap of paper in his jeans.  

    It’s been 24 years since my brother’s death. The movie is about a girl-daughter-sister-mother who lost her brother. Who loved him deeply but couldn’t take him with her. A loss that doesn’t go away. And, even now, when the sister drives by freeway underpasses and scraggly underbrush she scans for places her brother might have called home.

    I didn’t know his story, the places he laid his head. I knew his spirit.

    5 responses to “Mama-Sister”

    1. Bev Bachel Avatar
      Bev Bachel

      Powerful. Brought tears to my eyes, both for your loss and your love.

    2. Amanda Le Rougetel Avatar

      What a heartfelt unsentimental tribute to a difficult love. I particularly appreciate your closing line in which you distinguish “story” from “spirit”. That is something to ponder…

      1. Elizabeth di Grazia Avatar
        Elizabeth di Grazia

        Thank you, Amanda for reading. A story that I needed to write and didn’t know how.

    3. Karen Seashore Avatar

      what a beautiful word poem to loss, lingering regret, and acceptance.

      1. Elizabeth di Grazia Avatar
        Elizabeth di Grazia

        Thank you so much for reading, Karen. This is a piece that for years I wanted to write but didn’t know how.

  • July Thoughts

    The Fourth of July was a bittersweet holiday this year. The day before at a small-town store a husband told his wife that the dress she was considering made her look like a Democrat. That was worth pondering. The local parade crowd was silent when Republican candidates walked past, showed more enthusiasm when Democrats passed. Neither presidential candidate had a float or handed out materials.

    The Supreme Court has determined that we vote to be kind of governed, or maybe ruled. Presidential politics are represented by two old men who could be advisors, definitely not candidates.  Imposters are running for office in places where they don’t live. Folks throw tarantulas at the people they want to represent and seek election without the slightest idea of how to govern. It’s all about power these days. 

    I want my children and grandchildren to have the American life generations fought to build. We might have to fight for its return and hope the spirit of the veterans will be with those on the side of democracy. Stay strong. Happy birthday, United States.

    American marine tank rolls through Garapan, capital of Saipan

    2 responses to “July Thoughts”

    1. Karen Seashore Avatar

      Thank you. A quiet whisper in the midst of our collective sadness.

    2. Ellen Shriner Avatar

      I share your dismay! I’m truly worried about our future in a way I never have been before. I’m keeping Connie Schulz’s (Sherrod Brown’s wife) words in mind: “No one is coming to save us. It’s up to us to do the hard work of this democracy.“ I’m not sure what all that entails, but I’m committed to doing what I can.

  • Graduation 2024

    The School for Adults teachers coaxed me to attend the Honors Program and General Education Diploma (GED) Graduation because I’m a volunteer tutor. I was somewhat reluctant since graduation usually means long speeches, uncomfortable seating, and potential boredom, but I’m glad I showed up. The pride of the students being honored touched me. 

    I followed the crowds of American-born and Spanish-speaking students and their families as they streamed in. All were dressed up—women in dresses and heels, men in fashionable clothes. In other families, the women wore special hijabs—dark colors embroidered with gold threads or embellished with gold sparkles along the cuffs. Everyone’s children wore their finery. 

    The place looked and sounded like a party—music played, a long table was laden with cupcakes and other sweets, and round tables were covered with pastel tablecloths ready for families to gather after the ceremony. I found a place at the back of the hall next to another tutor, a retired engineer from India who helps students with math.

    My role is working one-on-one or with small groups to help adult learners improve their writing and reading comprehension. Some of the students are native English speakers who got off track and didn’t finish their high school degrees. Others are immigrants learning sufficient English so they can attend college or keep up with their children’s schoolwork. Some students have university degrees from their home countries but have to start over here with a GED. When I tutor students, I ask their goals, but I don’t ask why they dropped out of school or what their immigration status is. 

    I was pleased one of the GED graduates I know was a featured speaker. She’s in her early 20s and a native speaker, so her language skills are good. She didn’t need much from me–math was her nemesis. For four years she showed up, sitting quietly in the back when class met in person. During COVID, when classes and my tutoring went online, she was in and out of class, but she persisted.

    Her speech was plainspoken but so heartfelt. Her pride in earning the GED, a milestone many of us take for granted, showed. Now, with the equivalent of a high school diploma, she plans to work full time to save money for college. 

    Another GED graduate I know is a woman from Sudan. Her written and spoken English are very good, she and was so skilled in math that she could have taught the class. I met with her once when she wanted an explanation of a writing assignment. She required a GED so she can pursue her dream of going to medical school. 

    A student speaker in his 30s spoke in heavily accented English about leaving Venezuela. He has a family and was established in his career, but political turbulence forced him and his family to leave. He spoke with passion about his gratitude for the opportunity America gave him. Now that he had his GED, he hopes to become an electrician and have his own business one day. 

    The majority of the students made level gains, meaning they advanced from basic to intermediate or from intermediate to advanced classes. Level gains merited a ribbon which students wore proudly. Their accomplishments are so hard won. 

    I am in awe of these students’ persistence. Their progress is slow. Many start and stop because they’ve changed jobs or don’t have daycare. Most don’t have time to do schoolwork at home. But week after week, year after year, they show up. I wonder how many of us who finished high school by 18, would work as hard to get a GED. The facts of their stories may sound ordinary, but for them, the diploma is life-changing. 

    So often I feel discouraged about the state of the world, but seeing the students’ pride and sheer joy in their accomplishments renewed my faith in humanity. 

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    9 responses to “Graduation 2024”

    1. WritingfromtheheartwithBrian Avatar

      Love your ending. “So often I feel discouraged about the state of the world, but seeing the students’ pride and sheer joy in their accomplishments renewed my faith in humanity.” We don’t recognize accomplishments like this enough. It would be very easy to throw in the towel, good for these students!!!!

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thank you for reading and commenting!

    2. Karen Seashore Avatar

      The GED is a wonderful US institution that demonstrates the need for multiple opportunities to access the opportunities that, for one reason or another, they lack. You make me want to volunteer! 🙂

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        Thanks, Karen! You have a wealth of knowledge to offer. The GED students may be different from what you’re used to — their attendance can be erratic because life often interferes.

        1. Karen Seashore Avatar

          Oh, I am well aware. In an earlier life, I “fostered” (not literally) several teen boys who, for a variety of reasons were not attached to schooling. GEDs saved them, even if they were erratic!

    3. Debra Avatar
      Debra

      What a gift you have given them, and us. Thank you, Ellen, for sharing your story and theirs.

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar
    4. Eliza Waters Avatar

      Inspiring! 💕

      1. Ellen Shriner Avatar

        The students are incredible!


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