Category Archives: Learning

A Cautionary Tale

Posted on by

Recently, I stopped at Walgreens to test my nearly expired ATM card. Turns out it is expired. Tired and preoccupied with that, I didn’t notice the slight gray-haired guy standing nearby. 

As I left the store he walked with me and asked if I’d gotten my money. What?! I looked at him more closely. One rotten tooth, disheveled. Possibly homeless, but certainly down on his luck. 

He walked too close and commented on my purse being pretty. I understood he was trying to get money from me either by panhandling or by robbing me, and I knew I had to get away from him. But he seemed unstable, maybe volatile—mentally ill or high—I couldn’t tell which. I was reluctant to set him off. 

He stayed close and kept trying to talk to me. As I neared my car, I said in a rude voice, “I’ve got to go. Bye!!” Even though I wanted to get rid of him, I was trying to treat this potentially homeless guy like a person. I thought if I got in the car and drove away I’d be OK. 

I opened the car door. He saw cleaning supplies on the front seat and said, “Oh, are you a cleaner?” I said, “Yes” and quickly got in and locked the doors. He was standing very close to the driver’s side mirror. When he heard the locks click, he got mad and started banging on the window and shouting at me. I have no idea what he was saying, but I was scared and wanted to get out of there. He was still standing very close to the car when I put it in reverse, cut the wheel, and started to back up. He shrieked, “You ran over my foot!” and fell to his butt. 

He continued screaming, “You ran over my f***ing foot.” I apologized, saying, “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’ll call for help.” I was shocked and scared, but thought if I’d hurt him I had to stay and deal with the situation.

After I called 911, he yelled, “Get me some ice. You ran over my f***ing foot.” I went back into Walgreens. As I paid for the ice I told the clerk a man was injured in the parking lot and the paramedics would be coming. 

The guy took the ice and slipped off his shoe. His bare foot had a small abrasion and it might have been a little puffy. Hard to tell. About then three first responders (firefighters) arrived. Two gray-haired guys and one younger one. They questioned the guy and asked me what had happened. One said, “Are you sure you ran over his foot? It might be a scam.” I thought I had hurt his foot, but honestly didn’t know.

One of the firefighters asked the ‘victim’ if he could wiggle his toes. He could. He got up and began walking around and talking to a firefighter, enjoying the attention. Off to the side the other firefighters speculated the guy was high. 

Shortly after, the paramedics arrived. They asked the guy the same questions and offered to take him to the hospital for an x-ray, but he didn’t want to go. By then we all recognized the situation was a stupid waste of time. 

The paramedics told me the police would be delayed. We stood around deciding what to do. The situation seemed under control. I offered to lock myself in the car while I waited for the cops but the firefighters said, “We’re not leaving you alone with this guy.” 

Meanwhile the guy decided he’d walk home on his supposedly injured foot. Clearly it was time for all of us to go. The firefighters said the cops could find me if they wanted to follow up. They never did.

Only later did I think, “Wait. That guy was menacing me. Harassing me, trying to get money from me. Why was I so concerned about him?”

I wish I would have handled the situation differently, but I’m sharing this story so you’ll have some strategies ready in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation. 

  • Pay attention to your surroundings if you use ATMs.
  • If someone follows you or bothers you, return to the store or business and ask for help.
  • Alert other people in the area that there’s a problem by yelling, “Get away from me! Leave me alone!”
  • If you’re in your car, lay on the horn to scare away the stranger and/or alert others to the trouble.

Before this incident, it never dawned on me I might look like a target. I’m not used to thinking of myself that way. And I don’t like it. Because I’m a woman or perhaps because I’m gray-haired, I may appear vulnerable. But I don’t want that loser’s interpretation to define me. 

Going forward, I hope to be better prepared. I hope you will be, too.

Seeing Forward and Back

Posted on by

I’ve cared for enough older women in my family to see the frailties I may have in the coming years. I’ve learned to be patient with their slower pace. I accept the extra steps they take to stay in charge of their lives—switching glasses and putting them away carefully and doublechecking locks. I already do that. I’m accustomed to the effort invested in maintaining dignity—looking where I’m walking, dressing comfortably, but well. So far, I’ve managed to avoid the flat bedhead spot so many older women seem unaware of!

Some days I feel exactly how old I am. My hip twinges a little. Or I can’t think of a word and it comes back five minutes later. I have a wealth of experiences and insights but the wisdom to know I should refrain from giving too much unasked-for advice. At this stage of life, my outlook is measured. Realistic.

Other days I feel like I’m fifty. Nothing aches. I’m energetic, ready to tackle big projects, and confident they’ll turn out well. The future is off in the distance and looks bright. I’m optimistic.

My thirties are also vivid—relived through the lives of my daughters-in-law. Revived by their pregnancies and new motherhood. I remember how fascinating my changing body was and how much it mattered to have a few maternity clothes I really liked. 

1989

I haven’t forgotten the fog and overwhelm of life with a newborn. How every little thing worries you. I also know you can grow bored by the long repetitive days, no matter how much you love your child. How ready you can be to use your brain for something besides calculating the hours since the last feeding. But the sweetness of cuddling a sleeping baby tempers that restlessness.

When my son hands me his baby, our past, present, and future converge.

Reflections from My Great Grandmother’s Rocker

Posted on by

Some nights sleep is elusive and I’m up earlier than expected—an experience I share with many people my age. At 6:15, I sit in my great grandmother’s rocker reading a book about baby care, since I will be a first-time grandmother in a month or so.

I try to imagine Anna Kuntz Pleitz and wonder what she was thinking when my grandmother, Helen Wagner Pleitz was pregnant with my mother, Eileen Pleitz Shriner in 1921. I wonder how Anna would view my self-assigned reading.

Anna lived with her son Frank and daughter-in-law Helen and would have been on hand when they were having children. I speculate that her knowledge of babies and mothering was held in high regard. Anna would have known the secrets of nursing and how to soothe a fussy baby. Like I do. In her day there may have been magazine articles and books about the ‘modern’ methods, but I don’t envision her reading them. She and Helen would have been confident of her skills. 

Or maybe not. Throughout the 20th century and into this one, each new generation has had their own take on parenting and baby care. So I volunteered to read the Mayo Guide to Your Baby’s First Years along with the What to Expect website to learn what’s new in the 30+ years since I had newborns. I want to be familiar with what my daughter-in-law and son are learning. 

My mother said my great great uncle, whose name I don’t know, made this beautiful platform rocker and matching footstool for his sister Anna. Making furniture was his trade. Anna’s husband George also made furniture, so perhaps it could be his handiwork. It is in the Eastlake style, so its design and decorations are simpler than ornate Victorian furniture. I don’t know if Anna brought it from Alsace (on the border of France and Germany) when she emigrated from France or if it was made in the U.S. 

It’s a ladies rocker, which means its frame is smaller and lower. It’s very comfortable and fits me perfectly. More than 100 years later, the rocker doesn’t even squeak. A couple of years ago, I had it reupholstered and replaced the antique-looking gold striped fabric my parents had chosen with an off-white tweed with threads of red and gold and blue. I wanted the rocker to be used and not be a museum piece.

I silently rock and think of Anna, Helen, and my mother sending their love and wisdom.

What’s Your Approach?

Posted on by

Earlier this month, I celebrated the 8th anniversary of my retirement at 61. Occasionally, I have floundered, but I’m happy with the shape it’s taken. Many of my friends are retired or nearing it, and I’ve observed a range of philosophies:

Nonretirement – For several writers and artists I know, retirement looks like slowing down, not quitting. They have fewer paid jobs but they’re still working. Or they have a big project underway which might be published or shown later. 

No schedule, no plans – Some people prefer the freedom to choose their activities day by day. For years they were yoked to a commute and an office. They feel they’ve paid their dues and earned the right to do whatever appeals to them on any given day. They hate the idea being locked into a schedule and resist planning too far ahead. I’ve noticed more men choosing this style.

A bit of structure – These retirees prefer several days of planned activities but want lots of free time, too. Their schedule might include workouts or sports, socializing with friends, and weekly volunteer gigs. They also value unscheduled time and are careful not to pile too many events into one day. This approach often appeals to women. I belong to this camp.

Always busy – This group is eager to do everything. All the time. For as long as possible. While the first three groups like to travel, these retirees travel even more. They’re adventuresome and willing to try whatever looks fun, which could be a class, a biking/hiking/kayaking group, a tour or whatever. They’re an enthusiastic bunch and want to be sure they do it all before time runs out.

Aimless – Some people struggle with retirement because they miss the structure work provided (even though they resented the job at times). They don’t know what to do with themselves. With so much free time, their days can feel empty. They have trouble getting projects accomplished because there’s always tomorrow.

Not loving it – Some retirees really don’t like retirement. Often, they are accomplished people who were well-respected in their field. Work provided focus and was integral to their identity. Retirement feels like a loss. The activities they try are pleasant but feel like make-work—time-fillers. They want their pursuits to be meaningful and have purpose, but they haven’t found fulfilling interests yet.

Combo – A person new to retirement may sample several approaches before finding a satisfying mix. Shifting away from paid work can be as confusing and life-changing as starting a career. Many times, people aren’t sure what they want or what will feel like time well-spent.

So much of a person’s approach to retirement depends on their temperament. What do they value most—freedom, balance, drive, accomplishment? Are they self-motivated or do they need outside structure in their days? 

What has worked for you? Or how do you envision your future retirement?

Rethinking

Posted on by

During a recent trip to the Minneapolis Institute of Art (MIA), I was surprised by a curator’s note about a sculpture in the Native American art gallery.

She said she’d reconsidered what she’d written about the sculpture years before. I’d just begun to read the note when a friend called me away, so I don’t know the exact points the curator made. 

To me, the actual content of her note didn’t matter as much as the phenomenon it represented. I was struck by her admission—that an institution like a museum would acknowledge the need to reassess. I also appreciated her basic statement—she sees things differently now.

Since the late 1970s when I became an adult, many Americans’ views have evolved regarding race, gender identity, sexual harassment, and so much more. Marijuana use was flat-out illegal in the 1970s, but now recreational use is legal in 18 states, and a number of other states permit medical marijuana. Until 2015, same sex marriage was illegal in many states. 

A lot of widely held views from 40, 30, 20, and 10 years ago have caused immeasurable harm. 

Pain caused by ignorance is real even if the person or institution didn’t intend to be hurtful, but that’s a different category of wrong from meanness or a stubborn refusal to learn as new insights become available. Intention matters. 

Historical context also matters. I’ve abandoned many views that seemed mainstream years ago. I know better now. 

This is a small personal example, but when our sons were babies more than 30 years ago, we had bumper pads on the crib and covered the boys with blankets. They also had stuffed animals in the crib to keep them company. I wouldn’t do it now, given what we’ve learned about babies smothering and sudden infant death syndrome. I didn’t know better then, but I’ve learned and changed.

Sometime in the last 10 years I read that commenting on someone’s non-European name was ‘othering’. Until it was pointed out, I had no idea. I thought my remarks would be seen as taking an interest in the person. Now I understand those comments are offensive and I no longer say them.

I don’t know what the MIA curator learned—if her perspective about artistic merit broadened or if she gained an enhanced cultural awareness. I’m grateful she acknowledged the change and hope museum-goers don’t judge her on her past views without considering her evolved views.

People do learn, regret, try to improve, and change. I certainly have. I also realize what seems right and appropriate today may very well be judged harshly forty years from now.