WordSisters

Category: Downsizing

  • Naked Soffits

    I have a collection of teapots, accumulated over more than 40 years, that I love and that have always given me joy. The earliest in the collection is a Japanese tea set I bought while I was in college. I loved the way I could cradle the thick handless cups in my palms, “too hot to touch, too hot to drink.” The set travelled with me from Grand Rapids to New Orleans, to Minnesota, back to Michigan. The super-glued lid, cracked during one of its many moves, is now part of its charm, a repaired flaw that doesn’t detract from its beauty.

    My most prized possession in the collection is a Japanese “Brown Betty” that belonged to my mother. Well-loved and often used, it sat on our kitchen counter for years. Before sitting down to dinner every night, my mother would put two Lipton tea bags in the pot and fill it with boiling water from the kettle she had on the stove as she cooked. The tea would steep as the seven of us ate our baked chicken and biscuits, or fresh-caught salmon fried to perfection, or meatless Friday meals of macaroni and cheese or potato soup. As she cleared our plates, mom would pour a cup for her and my dad and we’d sit and talk as they sipped their tea, often long after the meal was finished.

    I don’t remember when I acquired this treasure. Probably after dad died and mom sold our family home, auctioning off all the memories that wouldn’t fit into her one-bedroom apartment at the Senior Estates.

    As often happens when you have a collection, mine grew over the years, added to by pieces I bought myself and by gifts from family and friends. I displayed these treasures on my kitchen soffits, the empty space between the top of the cabinets and the ceiling. I changed the displays by season, swapping out Brown Betty with a bright red Waechtersbach teapot and snowmen sets at Christmas time, adding pops of yellow in the spring. The three or four times I changed the décor every year were always satisfying, even as it got more difficult for me to climb on top of the kitchen counters to reach the void below the ceiling.

    When we sold our four-bedroom house in Minnesota and moved to a townhome in Michigan, some of my collection went to Goodwill or were gifted to family or friends. My new compact kitchen has fewer cabinets, but the vaulted ceiling in our great room provides a spacious backdrop for the most treasured of my collection that remains. My teapots once again held a place of honor in my home.

    This fall, I took a day to climb the heights and change out the decorations, adding pumpkins and sunflowers and other tchotchkes to complement the featured teapots. For the first time in years, however, I didn’t decorate for Christmas because we spent our first winter in the desert Southwest, a much-needed respite from the ice and snow. When I came back for a visit in February, I took down all the fall décor, leaving a few random pieces that looked lonely and sad, but that I planned to add to when we returned in the spring.

    As is often the case at this phase of our lives, our return wasn’t quite as planned. My mother was dying, so I rushed home to be with my siblings for her final days. The next month was a flurry of activity: hospice workers, many laughs and tears with my four siblings, a funeral, cleaning out my mom’s assisted living apartment, poring through hundreds of pictures and memorabilia, finding my footing as a 67-year-old motherless child.

    A month later, when the day came to finally fill the empty spaces above my kitchen cabinets, I found I no longer had it in me. I’m relatively healthy, but, like my mother, I have some balance issues that make it seem imprudent to climb a ladder and teeter on a kitchen counter to reach over my head and place porcelain vessels in an arrangement that is pleasing to me but likely not meaningful to anyone else.

    So instead, I dragged the step ladder into the kitchen for perhaps the last time and took everything down. The Brown Betty is now on a shelf next to old pictures of my mom and dad. The rest are carefully wrapped and in a Sterlite tub in my storage room. In each teapot, I placed a note with the details of when I got it and its significance to me.

    My soffits are naked for the first time in my adult life. The look matches the modern architecture of our new home, clean and uncluttered. I know the teapots are there if I should ever change my mind. I also know that my daughter would gladly help me decorate if I asked. For now, however, I’m trying to enjoy the new look and save my physical and mental effort for something else like walking with my husband, creating photo albums, writing. Still, it feels like a loss in a season full of loss.

    While a practical decision, was it premature? Am I unnecessarily adding to my emotional burden while removing a physical one?

    I don’t know. I think I need to let it steep.  

  • Holiday Presents

    In response to queries about what I might like as a holiday or upcoming birthday present, I am wondering if I have hit “that age” or developed a stronger sense of being part of the universe?

    With the evil spreading in our country that has stripped families apart or made the simple costs of food, shelter and other necessities too expensive for others, how can I want anything? If I need to think about creating a list for days, I think I know the answer

    First, my deepest wishes: food, safe shelter, healthcare and education to be accessible in our country. People with compassion, wisdom, morals, the ability to use real language when talking, willingness to listen, commitment to collaborative decisions to lead government at all levels, in all nations. Narcissistic strong men be removed from positions of influence or power.

    On the personal level: A giant gift would be securing my family’s futures so that those of us aging don’t burden the younger, the middle generation continue to live the modestly comfortable lives they have achieved, the children reach maturity in a country that has found its way back to peace and prosperity while honoring the Statue of Liberty‘s invitation. It would be grand to find a small house for our last decades and free our family home for a family.

    But if my stumbling over the gift question is about approaching “that age” and actual physical items must be named, my gift list is simple: warm socks, two books, a box of English Toffee, framed photos, individual time with each family member in the coming year, donations made to food shelves.  

    Add new pajamas and a couple of white long sleeve polo shirts, this might have been my father’s list twenty years ago when he was the age I am now. And he is a good reminder of what holiday presents should include. He was someone who gave to others at holidays: food boxes we packed, a canned ham, cookies we baked, wrapped toys, sweaters and pajamas for others’ children, cash in a card, and because it was Wisconsin sometimes a bottle of brandy. 

    Time to get busy.

  • Thoughts on the Urge to Purge

    Loads of articles encourage retirees to declutter our possessions and purge decades of accumulation. My generation is repeatedly reminded our kids won’t want our stuff. True. They’ll want it after we’ve given it away. Or never. 

    Purging sounds so virtuous.

    The philosophy of decluttering or purging goes like this—discard what you don’t need. Pare down your belonging to the essentials. Ideally, give your stuff to someone who can use it. The process is also supposed to offer emotional benefits:

    • Get rid of what weighs you down—the boxes full of old files, the clothes that don’t fit, the shopping mistakes. Let go of the emotional weight of caring for all these things. The sense of responsibility and guilt are bad for you. 
    • Think how light and refreshed you’ll feel when you have less stuff. Less to take care of. A clean slate. (Who the heck even knows what a slate is? Well OK, I do. It’s a personal chalkboard students did schoolwork on. I have one in my office closet that belonged to my grandfather. I’m not even that attached to it. Would a history museum want this artifact? Probably not, since my brother crayoned on it.)

    The decisions and matchmaking are what short circuit the urge to purge. 

    Neighborhood Buy Nothing groups make it easier. You feel good about the matchmaking. The groups are well suited to offloading housewares and furnishings you no longer use. When we got a king bed, someone wanted our queen size mattress and bed frame. All I had to do was snap a photo and post the items. The neighbor who wants your stuff picks it up. No more loading up the car for a trip to Goodwill and driving bags and boxes around for weeks until you do the drop-off. No more staging a tedious garage sale only to find you still have to dispose of what didn’t sell.

    Local Buy Nothing groups do a brisk trade in kids’ clothing, toys and equipment. I recently acquired a second booster seat for family dinners and I often scan posts for age-appropriate toys. My granddaughters’ wardrobes are supplemented with barely-worn-before-they’re-outgrown clothes and shoes from active Buy Nothing groups. The amount and quality of free stuff is astonishing. 

    People of my generation used to take things to Goodwill or similar charitable organizations. Sometimes I still do—mostly clothes. Recently, an energetic friend’s clean sweep inspired me to pack up a load of clothes and old purses I don’t use. Won’t use. I do feel a bit virtuous. 

    But right now, I’d like to purge any additional demands to declutter. Unload all those reminders and the associated guilt. It’s yet another thing that would be good for me . . . that I don’t feel like doing. Besides, the slate doesn’t take up much room in my closet.