WordSisters

Category: Conversation

  • Because You Never Know

    I was in the National Gallery restroom washing my hands when another woman asked where I was from and if I was enjoying the museum—the sort of chitchat that happens in Washington, D.C., where so many people are from somewhere else.

    The woman was a bit taller than me and blonde, about my age. She told me she was from D.C. and used to work at the museum. Then she announced, “I’m a famous artist, you know.” 

    I thought, Seems unlikely you’d have to announce it in a restroom if you really were famous.

    Figuring she was joking I raised my eyebrows and said, “Infamous.” 

    She didn’t laugh as I intended but went on, “I’m 78. I can say I’m a famous artist. Who cares?” 

    I get it. Claim your power. Don’t let others define you.

    I smiled and we moved on to drying our hands by the paper towels.

    She told me she lived alone and can paint whenever she wants. How much she likes that. Then she said, “I’ve dated around, but my last husband was a psychopath and tried to kill me.” 

    Wait, what?!? I felt a bit of deer-in-the-headlights uncertainty but dismissed it. She’s a dramatic person. Probably exaggerating that, too. 

    We were still alone in the restroom. Wiser people might have said, “I’m so sorry” and left, but I was more intrigued than concerned. That plus ingrained Midwestern politeness kept me there. 

    “I met him a few years after my husband died of cancer. I was so devasted and lonely,” she said.

    “You were vulnerable.” 

    “He got mad one day when I told him he couldn’t sit around all day watching porn on his laptop. Then he threw the laptop at me, pushed me against the wall, and started choking me.”

    Oh, wow. That’s awful!  I nodded for her to continue. 

    “I got out of there and went to the police station. The next day I came back with the police. When they knocked, he opened the door thinking it was me. They took him to jail. Turns out he’d done this before. Preyed on women. Assaulted them. He had a record. He’s still in jail.”

    “You were lucky. I’m glad you’re OK.” 

    I became aware of how long I’d been in the restroom while my husband and friends waited outside, so I eased us toward the exit. To shift the conversation back to neutral chitchat, I admired the top she wore. We wished each other a good visit and I left.

    What’s the right thing to do in a moment like that? Was she lonely and simply needed to talk? To be seen? Did she consider her story to be a cautionary tale? And why did she share her story with me?

    I’ve shared plenty of personal stories in this blog, but they are chosen and crafted, not spontaneously blurted. I can’t imagine telling a stranger my worst experiences. Even when my husband and I sat in an OR waiting room in the middle of the night, while our son was in the midst of a six-hour emergency surgery, I didn’t go into detail about his accident or my fears to the other woman waiting with us. When it comes to my deepest feelings, I have a strong reserve.

    But I’ve learned sometimes your words or presence matter more than you realize. So, I listened to the woman in the restroom on the off chance I was in one of those moments. Was it? I’ll never know.

  • Reclaiming My Focus

    Focus. It’s an ability I used to take for granted. But not anymore. For whatever reason—age, information overload, pandemic-induced anxiety—I’m just not able to concentrate the way I once did.

    Is the inability to do so a warning sign of cognitive decline?

    After coming across conflicting opinions online, that’s a question I plan to ask at my next physical. In the meantime, I did what I usually do when seeking answers, I found a book to read: Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention and How to Think Deeply Again byJohann Hari.

    What I learned—that our attention is being stolen—was disturbing enough but the fact that Facebook and other social media companies have intentionally designed their sites to keep us online and coming back so they can maximize their revenue has prompted me to shy away from logging on.

    Despite this, Amazon knows what I’m reading, and Alexa often knows what I’m having for dinner. Google Nest knows if I’m home, and Google Maps knows where I’m at when I’m not.

    While there are some positives to this—for instance, I no longer have to look up and then print directions—I don’t like feeling that I’m being surveilled.

    So I unplugged Alexa and put her in the basement, and I closed out 60+ accounts I rarely use. I also unsubscribed from dozens of e-letters.

    And, after a University of Oregon study found that if we are focusing on something and get interrupted, it takes 23 minutes on average for us to get back to the same state of focus, I’ve turned off the ringer on my phone and no longer leave email open all day.

    The goal: to return my focus to what I really want to be paying attention to: my family and friends and the causes I care about.

  • Seen and Heard

    Recently, I was reminded that seemingly small moments can have a lasting impact. My mother-in-law told me about her visit with a local librarian. They got to know each other, and now the librarian chooses books for her as part of a library outreach program for people who don’t drive. Although the librarian came only once, her visit meant a lot to my mother-in-law.

    Every now and again, acquaintances tell me about a time when something I said or did came at exactly the right time. Often, I’m surprised because I don’t remember the moment and wasn’t aware that I’d had any special impact. With that in mind, I try to be gracious when someone I don’t know well wants to talk. Maybe they need to be heard.

    I love good tomatoes and there’s one vendor I look for at the St. Paul Farmer’s Market, because his tomatoes are consistently good. We have a nodding acquaintance—we know each other’s faces, but not each other’s names.

    The last time I saw him, he asked me if I liked the Tennessee Ernie Ford song that the market’s musical entertainer had just played. I agreed that it was a good oldie and recalled that a neighbor friend’s mother used to play it on the stereo.

    Then the tomato vendor told me he loves to sing, and he sang a little of the song in a surprisingly rich bass. I complimented him, and he explained that when he was young, a voice teacher taught him to breathe properly. Now he shows the guys in his church choir how to breathe so they won’t strain their voices when they try to sing bass.

    As I walked away, I realized that after our longer-than-expected conversation, I had a fuller sense of him as a person. I don’t know if the conversation meant anything to him or not. Maybe he needed to be seen, wanted someone to know that tomato farming was just one dimension of his life. Or maybe he was just bored and feeling chatty.

    Either way, I’m glad I listened. There’s a gift to me in that.