Author: Ellen Shriner

  • Trying on a New Lifestyle for Size

    My husband and I have been peeping in strangers’ closets. Opening drawers. Pulling aside shower curtains. Wandering in backyards. That’s what house hunters do.

    Now that our nest is nearly empty, imagining a new urban life is fun. Can we embrace alleys? Funky one-car, unattached garages? Being able to see into our neighbors’ windows just across the way? Hear their TVs? I don’t know, but we’re trying to find out.

    We’ll definitely enjoy being closer to the lakes and rivers that the Twin Cities are known for. Walking to neighborhood restaurants and coffee shops sounds good, too.

    But it’s odd to step into these intimate spaces and glimpse the telling details of a stranger’s life:

    One house has a small bedroom has a single bed with a flower power bedspread. A teal formal dress hangs from the closet door. Inside are classic black Converse sneakers. What does this teenage girl dream of when she lies in that bed—the homecoming dance? Wandering around a college campus in those sneakers?

    In another house, there are two much loved cats. They have cat beds, food bowls, and water dishes upstairs and downstairs, so the kitties won’t have to go far for a drink and a snack. In the living room, two middle-aged women with their arms around each other smile out from what appears to be an engagement photo.

    The next place we visit is across the river. The front door handle comes off in our hands and the backyard is full of weeds. The carpet is old and shabby and the bathroom has mismatched tiles. A motorized scooter sits in a corner of the kitchen. This place is sadder than the first two and looks like the owner was too ill or too tired to keep up with maintenance and yard work.

    Another place we see has great landscaping and a newly remodeled kitchen and bath. It looks as if the family has out-grown the house. Upstairs is a pink little girl’s room with a large girl-sized decal of a purple My Little Pony on the wall.  She has her whole life ahead of her, but it will be in a new house.

    We too have a whole new life ahead of us—maybe in a year or two it will be in one of these neighborhoods.  For now, we’re just trying on this lifestyle for size.

    Big porch

    Stucco w red door

  • Sewing Lessons

    Cicadas have begun their whining buzz. Summer is nearly over, and I’m not ready for it to end. But the Minnesota State Fair helps ease me into fall. One of my favorite parts of the fair is the Creative Activities building, especially the displays of quilts, embroidery and homemade clothing. I love looking at all the clothes, especially the women and girls’ clothes.

    checked pants

    Some are so well crafted that they are worthy of designer labels. But others have ambitious designs that are not fully realized. The seamstress (and it is almost always a she) may have chosen a fabric that was too thin and cheap—broadcloth where a challis would have draped better. Or perhaps the topstitching widens gradually instead of being even and regular. Maybe the fabric is an odd choice for a tailored suit. These are my favorite pieces.

    Satin Dress

    I understand the excitement the seamstress felt when she first envisioned the clothing. Her belief—that if she sewed carefully enough, she could make something worthy of a ribbon at the State Fair—resonates with me.

    Green dress

    The gap between her vision and the items in front of me doesn’t matter. Perhaps the seamstress feels drop-dead gorgeous when she wears her outfit. Or maybe she simply took pleasure in working with the color, texture and design, just as I did when I was learned to sew in as a girl in Ohio.

    The summer I was 10 years old, I rode my fat-tired blue bike to sewing class at the Singer store for eight weeks. It was hot and there was no shade. My bag of jumbled fabric and pattern pieces banged against my leg as I pedaled and sweated block after block for a mile and a half.

    Inside, the icy cold store had a cotton sizing smell, like a shirt that’s just been ironed. Unwinding and unwieldy bolts of fabric tilted into the crowded aisles, a feast of color and texture. Shimmery pastel polyester. Dark floral challis. Fine woolen houndstooth checks. Lush jewel tone velvets. Rustling moiré taffeta with its woodgrain texture. Beyond the fabric were the arcane supplies called notions. Stamped tin needle threaders. Rickrack, lace and ribbons. And row after row of buttons—plastic Scottie dogs, domed brass buttons, and sparking rhinestones.

    At the back of the store were pattern books and possibilities. Looking over my shoulder, my sewing instructor directed me to the “Very Easy” patterns at the back of the book.  Her pointy fingernail tapped at a V-neck jumper and a simple sailor dress. “Why don’t you write down some of these pattern numbers, and your Mom can help you decide when you come to buy fabric?”

    By the time I returned with my mother, I was in love with my vision. I’d spent days imagining the possibilities for the sailor dress pattern I’d chosen: white with jaunty red trim or dusty yellow with navy accents or maybe red with red, white and blue trim. I finally chose tomato red kettle cloth for the dress with white for the collar and red, white and blue ribbon as an accent. For the first time in my life, I was caught up in a rush of creativity and self-expression as heady as that of any artist.

    In class, I chafed at the exacting requirements: sewing 5/8”seams that didn’t drift to 3/4” or 1/2”. In the pattern, the darts in the bodice were pictured as sharp narrow angles turned into triangles with a line of stitching, but my first attempt was more like a lightening bolt than a straight fearless line. I was also surprised at how hard it was to sew the back darts, gradually tapering both of them into slender matching crescents. Every thread had to be knotted off tightly and neatly trimmed. But I was determined to master the craft of sewing, so I could bring my vision into being.

    Though my head ached from concentration, the armhole facings for my sleeveless dress were still lumpy and irregular, instead of the smooth ovals they were meant to be. My zipper had to be ripped out and re-done three times. I got discouraged as my vision of the dress dimmed in face of the rumpled panels I guided under the presser foot and flashing needle. The dress I imagined was just out of reach, stylish and perfect in my mind’s eye.

    One afternoon when the dress was nearly done I was particularly dejected. I knew my dress looked childish and stupid. I was overwhelmed by its imperfections. My teacher noticed my expression and said, “All you need to do is wash this and press it. It will look great.” I wasn’t sure that was true, but I wanted to believe her.

    I washed and pressed my dress for the end-of-class style show, and she was right: you could hardly see the mistakes. As I walked across the stage, my dress’s crooked interfacing seams no longer mattered. I felt as chic and self-assured—everything I’d envisioned.

    As a city kid, entering clothing for a ribbon at the Ohio State Fair wasn’t part of my experience—I’d never even been to the state fair, since it was three hours away in Columbus. But I didn’t need a ribbon. I was already proud of my achievement. So it wasn’t long before I was planning my next dress. Skirts, long vests, and other dresses followed. My sewing grew more accomplished, but never would have been considered professional.

    In high school, I didn’t have as much time for sewing, and I had begun to make enough money babysitting that I could buy most of my clothes. Though my interest in sewing my own clothes had dwindled, my enjoyment of the creative process flourished. During college, I transferred my love of color, texture and design to pottery and jewelry making. In my 20s, I sewed curtains, pillows covers and bedspreads to furnish my various apartments.

    Through the years, my interest in making things has not waned. My home is filled with imperfectly rendered projects: a quilt that was too ambitious for my design skills, though it has appealing colors and fabric. Stoneware bowls that are a little heavy. The porch pillows whose pattern was too busy for the loveseat they were on. Halloween costumes that were only basted together and would fall apart if my boys got too rough with them. The small watercolors that were fun to do but just seem amateurish now that I’m done. I don’t mind that these projects turned out pretty well instead of perfect. I enjoyed the rush of inspiration I felt when I first imagined them and the pleasure I took in creating them.

    In the Creative Activities Building, I look over this year’s award-winning projects along with the others that like mine, fell short of their maker’s original vision. I hope those optimistic seamstresses discover, as I have, that the thrill of the creative process is the point.

  • Mammo Whammy

    I hate going to the Breast Center. I steel myself and try to be as matter-of-fact as if I’m getting my teeth cleaned or doing some other unpleasant medical chore.

    Everyone there is nice. The décor features soft colors and flowery prints hang on the wall. I’m shown to a dressing room and instructed to put on a gown with the opening in the front.

    But the presence of too many women, who are scared out of their wits, wondering what will become of themselves and their families, weighs on me.

    I change into the raspberry gown and stash my clothes in the locker.

    As I wait to be called, I wonder about the other women. Who will be lucky today? Who is waiting for a second mammogram because the radiologist found something suspicious? I avoid looking my companions in the eye. I have no wisdom and very little comfort to offer.

    Inside the mammo room, the technician is pleasant and professional. But the whole process—baring myself, pushing my breast on the metal and plastic plate, allowing her to pull and stretch it into place as if it isn’t one of the most intimate parts of me—is dehumanizing.

    I hold my breath, wait for the eye-watering mechanical squeeze. Then we repeat the process and I’m done. She says they’ll call if there’s a problem.

    I nod and smile and pretend that I’m OK. I try not to let my mind form the sentence, “What if my luck has run out? What if this time is IT?”

    The spirits of the women I’ve known with breast cancer travel with me as I get dressed, walk to the parking ramp and try hard not to think about the three biopsies I’ve already had.

    I teeter on the brink of fear, but push that feeling as far back in my mind as possible. I know from experience that worrying won’t help.

    I hate going to the Breast Center. But I think of Kim, Jane, Lisa and especially Kathy, and so I go. I’ve got a life to live and people to love. I can’t afford not to.